peace like this is such a blessing. it has been a sabbath of a day for me... clean room, cuddly kitty, and a trip to the grocery store with the presence of God completely surrounding me!
i've been so incredibly impatient these last few...well, months? years? yet, today, driving behind the guy smoking his cigg leisurely below the speed limit - i was fine, and drank in a bit of his drug-induced calm instead of tensing my shoulders in my normal 'you-are-in-my-way-because-it-is-about-me' frustration. then while looking for a parking place, i circled around to find myself behind a dear older woman pushing her cart down the middle of the lane. and what did i do? i watched her, not with a glare, but in simplicity. then i found the delight of a parking spot under the full shade of a tree. once i gathered all my items inside the store, the system was down and they only took credit. so the long lines moved a little slow and i enjoyed pondering out loud with the older woman in line behind me about how the debit could be down yet the credit still online...she agreed with me and had a nice smile. i was able to be light spirited with the cashier and sympathize her situation. on the way home, green lights.
on top of that, now that my cold is mostly gone, i can sing again. so i sang in the car with a different heart, considering that i am able to do so... and that it makes Him smile. so i smiled back.
9/8/11
are caterpillars self-conscious in their chrysalis?
i need a good challenge every now and then. a dear friend and i talked a while back about writing and living and being 'undiminished' in life. in other chats, she gave me the word 'courage' to hold and to own. it is my habit to live according to the illustration, "put your finger in a glass of water. when you pull it out, how big is the hole?" but i know at the same time that God placed me here just the same way as the next person. so then it is my task to make real the purpose he made me to fit into.
after thinking about these things, several ways i have let myself live diminishedly became convictions instead of minor characteristics in my personality.
i considered the fact that my future brother-in-law has asked for me to dance with him at their wedding. at the time, every single fiber of my being freaked out and shut down to the idea. I do Not Dance. no. sigh... so then, my considerations led me to open myself to a dance, one, just one. as i write this, a urge to delete and deny is washing over me, there is still much time between then and now. plenty of time to change my mind and fall into my 'safe place'. i like being invisible. i'm the sound tech, anti-social artist, writer who hides behind the type and doesnt mind not being known...dancing. oof. dancing makes you very known.
another 'undiminished' issue is my weight. where everyone else in america is fighting to extend the life of their knees, i'm struggling to reach the bottom of the ideal weight range for my height. so, be excited - i've decided to throw a wine tasting party once i've gained my weight goal. sadly i obviously cant invite you all, sorry. but since i'm 20 lbs under weight, yes, 20 (no, i dont care if you think i look fine, those of you who know me - what i look like has only a portion of my problem), i dont allow myself to drink. i'd just pass out. so, i smell the lovely smells and consider the fun of food pairing...and now i use it to motivate myself to actually participate.
my only problem now is convincing myself that it is ok for me to change. because to do all of these things, it is required of me to become a wholly different person. granted i know it would be a better person, but i like who i am, and i know who i am in regard to the people i know, i know my context. this feels like so much more than just a new chapter, but a whole new book. it would be so much easier to go off into another part of the world with people who know my goals and help me reach them, then send me back changed so that i can be saved from the awkward intermediate stages in between. that's what i hate most about this. i cant just snap my fingers and be who i need to be, who i want to be. i have to let you see the gory details of my transformation, like a clear chrysalis.
after thinking about these things, several ways i have let myself live diminishedly became convictions instead of minor characteristics in my personality.
i considered the fact that my future brother-in-law has asked for me to dance with him at their wedding. at the time, every single fiber of my being freaked out and shut down to the idea. I do Not Dance. no. sigh... so then, my considerations led me to open myself to a dance, one, just one. as i write this, a urge to delete and deny is washing over me, there is still much time between then and now. plenty of time to change my mind and fall into my 'safe place'. i like being invisible. i'm the sound tech, anti-social artist, writer who hides behind the type and doesnt mind not being known...dancing. oof. dancing makes you very known.
another 'undiminished' issue is my weight. where everyone else in america is fighting to extend the life of their knees, i'm struggling to reach the bottom of the ideal weight range for my height. so, be excited - i've decided to throw a wine tasting party once i've gained my weight goal. sadly i obviously cant invite you all, sorry. but since i'm 20 lbs under weight, yes, 20 (no, i dont care if you think i look fine, those of you who know me - what i look like has only a portion of my problem), i dont allow myself to drink. i'd just pass out. so, i smell the lovely smells and consider the fun of food pairing...and now i use it to motivate myself to actually participate.
my only problem now is convincing myself that it is ok for me to change. because to do all of these things, it is required of me to become a wholly different person. granted i know it would be a better person, but i like who i am, and i know who i am in regard to the people i know, i know my context. this feels like so much more than just a new chapter, but a whole new book. it would be so much easier to go off into another part of the world with people who know my goals and help me reach them, then send me back changed so that i can be saved from the awkward intermediate stages in between. that's what i hate most about this. i cant just snap my fingers and be who i need to be, who i want to be. i have to let you see the gory details of my transformation, like a clear chrysalis.
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