why? well, story time...
my sister hosts a bible study on monday nights, and we're doing (well, they're doing, i'm watching) the 'believing God' study by beth moore. i've done it before and could get a lot out of doing it again, but i decided to just let the session videos be inspiring on their own. well, the last one had several notes in it that struck thoughts in my head, and other notes that struck deeply embedded chords that have been part of me for a long time. one of the quotes i've written in my notes, as i look back over the thoughts that made it to the page, "He wants people 'in process' because when He's done He'll take them home"... good, i'm still in process, and it's ok.
then i drew a cartoon...
not sure what inspired that, i dont really think it had anything to do w/ what she was saying, not exactly. but in any case... it's kinda how i see some people in the christian world. and if you dont get it, let me tell you, the best way to get the treasure is to get equipped and swim deep and get it. but the people willing to do that dont really care about the treasure, they love the experience w/ the Guide. anywho, total sidetrack there. you're welcome. ok...
three things on my heart that beth brought up quite directly:
purity (the bride makes herself ready)
unified (speaks for itself, no?)
anointing... though she didnt dwell on this one, it's so powerful to me.
i long to see the laying on of hands in so many more places than ordinations. i think we should pray over each new believer after baptism... yeah, we dont pay enough attention to the Holy Spirit. honestly, we go around complaining that God isnt clear to us and doesnt talk to us.... but he does! this post is proof that he does, and we just dont get it. we have such thick skulls. those feelings and thoughts that come right out of our gut, that seem so sure and solid - even though they dont make a lick of sense...
like 'my name is timothy' ...what?
the next morning as i was reflecting on the study that's what i heard. about myself.
as in, me saying, 'my name is timothy'
now, some of you know i'm a bit independent and i've even had my desire for men questioned (before i had ever dated. fine, so i was a late bloomer, i say more people should be more easily questioned - shows that there are other things in life to focus on! soap box!). i would love to actually be a tomboy even though i guess i realize i'm not one... my mom pointed out to me once that i walk in a rather feminine way. ...and if counted, i own more high heels than other types of shoes combined... at the same time, i have been dealing w/ wanting to be the boy my dad never had, and i've always found my grandpa's 'hey boy' to be a term of endearment (he had 4 granddaughters, no grandsons - called us all 'boy'), i also like knowing i can do anything i need to do on my own, by myself.
i've often asked God what his name for me is. a name is such a big deal, or it used to be. bible names have meanings. and my name even has a meaning, and i love it - kara nadine means pure hope. it wasnt on purpose, mom and dad didnt know they named me that, but God did. and even though i love being Pure Hope, i wanted to know what God calls me. i hadnt thought about this for a long time, so it came out of no where to get an answer. a strange answer.
for me to think God is telling me that i should have a boy name is really weird.
i'm writing a fiction novel w/ magic and creatures - the main character is a girl who finds herself bound to a very masculine dragon... they live together and he forms her into a woman she couldnt have become w/out him. it's a depiction (in a slanted, not-quite kind of way) of how the Holy Spirit works in me. so i decided that this would be why God would give me a boy name, but i really didnt think that jived. i knew it had a meaning, but i didnt know what it was. i'd look it up later. for now i thought i might be putting it on myself,
and that maybe even satan put it in my head. a step to further question my lady-ness.
then again, another way i decided to look at it- if i start a ministry - timothy ministries!
ta-da!
i've always loved the encouragement of youth to not be afraid to lead - you know, paul's timothy.
i'm young. i've gotten a lot of encouragement out of that.
but that doesnt answer why 'my name is'
now, today - a few days have gone by. i had actually forgotten about it. all morning i've been living in my own world, creating events that will never happen, words i would say that i would never say... wasted a lot of time.
looking at myself in the mirror i felt sad and looked away. God caught me, made me look back at myself and say, 'i dont need this in my life...i'm timothy'
ok, if it came back, then i should check it out. because now it's weird.
it's one of those names i've never learned the meaning of, so i open biblestudytools.com and find it in the greek lexicon: "honoring God"
oh.
i'm honoring God.
i wasnt though, but God knows my name. he calls me timothy. he knows my heart.
that made me cry. pretty hard too.
that's grace.
