paint me like the sky

breakfast, first lunch, second lunch, snack, dinner...
kinda like a hobbit, just blurring the lines a bit.
that's my goal. i actually have the first part down (up to second lunch, the rest is still in the air - but i'm hopin' for the best)
ADOS moment - it's raining! (attention deficit oh shiny! don't remember who i first heard that from, but i love it along w/ CDO, like OCD but in the right order as it should be). rain is a big deal here.
ok, back to food. which is also a big deal.
a big stupid annoying deal. one that i find myself in need of analyzing pretty often. so here i am again - recognizing that i have to fit one more meal into the day, or else.
or else i will be lacking in adequate energy for my body and mental functions, or else i will be scrawny forever... i mean, who looks at themselves in the mirror and has "skinny days" that make you feel sickly instead of stellar? this girl. so clearly i'm not anorexic. but i still have to figure out why i dont do anything about it. i need to figure out why i feel resistance to the necessary changes.

i have some thoughts, always do... i'm an adult - but i look like a kid. half of my life has been after the time most girls gain weight and begin their adaptation into ...uhm, womanliness? sure. yeah. well, i never did. so now here i am, under weight and used to my current body image. awkward-stages are for 10-14 year olds, not those of us sitting a few years from our 30's. so i have something i need to say:

i am ok w/ the awkward transition to my full life of energy and sanity. i am ready to be who i am supposed to be - mind and body.

uhm, can i talk to the ladies for a moment? guys can just skip to the next paragraph! thanks. honestly i dont think i should even write this, but it is one of my hurdles and i need to get over it. the idea and experience of shopping for bras is pretty much the equivalent of sending a guy to go in for feminine items. i just dont feel like i belong in that section of the store. like i'm some kind of imposter.

i'm kind of afraid to be seen. john eldridge, an awesome writer, describes an idea of making agreements w/ satan about lies in our hearts. one of mine is "i like being invisible, i want to be invisible, i'm good at being invisible, i should strive to be invisible in many aspects of my life..." you get the idea. hiding behind this computer screen is great. not having to actually say any of this to a real person is awesome - but even playing with the idea that i might actually push the "publish" button is freaking my little agreement right out of its little mind. and it helps a lot that i'm an introvert. i can pin so much of my invisibility-cloak mannerisms to my strong introversion. but this exceeds the definition, it doesnt fit that bill. that dog don't hunt, the bucket holds no water. being invisible is an agreement that imprisons me in a place of darkness - it shackles my communal soul.

i've been awe-stricken by the sky these last few months. God paints the sky for me. it's amazing. every single day, the ridiculous detail and nuance in the clouds and the sun - all timed w/ my coming and going. sometimes i go out when i'd really rather not - and that's when He has made the most spectacular sculptures and paintings up in the sky. i've got this little melody i sing to Him when i'm paying attention, just simply the line "You paint the sky for me." and i had a thought the other day - the sky is invisible in a way. we're going through life so fast that hardly anyone even sees the sky. it is only seen by those who take the time to look. and even then, how many of those see it for all its grandeur? "the sun is too hot" "the cloudy day is too grey" "will those clouds bring rain?" all so functional! well, i want God to paint me like the sky. seen by those who take the time. those who are too busy, well i was not made for them.

if i'm painted like the sky, i have permission to be a little more like God, and a little less like a crazy person - take note of how fine that line is: the sky is vast and ever changing, subtle or vibrant, beautiful always, full of both furry and comfort.

yeah. and if i'm like the sky, then i should go eat my snack.