not really, but yeah, pretty much just like this...

i had a dream that i was walking along the beach w/ God.
i looked back and saw two sets of foot prints, but closest to us was a place with one set next to a messy trench of a path. so i asked God, "what happened?"
and He said, "that's where I drug you along beside me. like a five year old. because you didnt understand the grand adventure I wanted to set out on with you, but we had to get here somehow."
and i said, "oh. ok."
then He looked into my eyes and smiled, "so, would you like to get up now? I cant imagine how much sand is in your shoes by now. it is going to take forever for us to get it all out."

it is for freedom He set me free...huh.

everywhere i turn i am facing 'you should desire advancement'. but i dont. i fight it. and i think it is ok. just read a book called 'embracing obscurity'...the author remains purposefully unknown. and for an author, that is quite the thing to do - they make money by people recognizing their name. an author wants their name to sell their books, for the loyal audience to anticipate their newest release and so on. but it is ok to release a book and not tell the world who did it. if i were in the music world, i always like to think i'd make all my songs public domain. but would i really?
i'm becoming more sure that i need to give my paintings away.
so, if you've ever eyed one, let me know and i will make sure you get to enjoy it.
yes. i feel really good about that.
i paint because it is inside me, and i do it hoping that it hits a note inside of you. and if it does - praise God. for those who i've already charged, i'm sorry. thanks for investing? sigh. life is crazy and my brain is properly upside down. ...it really bothers my dad. he wants me to be successful and safe, stable and secure. and he's my dad, he has every right to want that for me, he has the obligation to want that for me. i'm so blessed to have him and my mom.
the other day i felt this statement, "stop waiting for the worlds methods to line up, you weren't made for that"
ok then. i will live the way i was made. i do not live in this 'global economy' or local for that matter, there is a Father that owns it all anyway. and by golly i trust Him.
now, dont get me wrong. i'm not going to stop working or striving to do work and expect to be able to mooch off of the system or off of the church. paul made tents. but i'm not driven by money, and though i've become aware of my 'expensive tastes', i'm pretty sure i can figure out how to live on what i need.
and then i should give the rest away. what good will it do me if i dont?
my paintings, they sit in my house. sure mom rotates them on our walls... several are at the church. and if they keep letting me, more will end up there. but the last thing i want is a 'me' gallery there. oh dear no. may other people's work always out number mine!
i'm kinda excited about doing this.

before writing this, i read some emails and the links in them, and then i felt like i should write an entry. so i paused and asked, 'what about?' answer: 'Jesus'...
i flipped through my bible, but felt that wasnt what it meant.
so i just started typing, and now i realize that to live like Jesus and see how he sees, that's it. that's all it has ever been.
'why do you create this stress in your life?' ...well, because i'm supposed to do it that way.
'says who? not me, that's for sure. in fact, i've told you to stop it.' ...yes, i know.
'so we good then?' ...ha, yeah, Jesus, we're good.

|hello, my name is| timothy

i'm sitting here crying out in my soul to God because his goodness has overwhelmed me.
why? well, story time...

my sister hosts a bible study on monday nights, and we're doing (well, they're doing, i'm watching) the 'believing God' study by beth moore. i've done it before and could get a lot out of doing it again, but i decided to just let the session videos be inspiring on their own. well, the last one had several notes in it that struck thoughts in my head, and other notes that struck deeply embedded chords that have been part of me for a long time. one of the quotes i've written in my notes, as i look back over the thoughts that made it to the page, "He wants people 'in process' because when He's done He'll take them home"... good, i'm still in process, and it's ok.
then i drew a cartoon...

("too deep! i'll never reach the bottom!" then the tide goes out, way out. "much better!" they turn away from the deep, not noticing the wave coming back, "come on out! the water's..." and there's the wave.)

not sure what inspired that, i dont really think it had anything to do w/ what she was saying, not exactly. but in any case... it's kinda how i see some people in the christian world. and if you dont get it, let me tell you, the best way to get the treasure is to get equipped and swim deep and get it. but the people willing to do that dont  really care about the treasure, they love the experience w/ the Guide. anywho, total sidetrack there. you're welcome. ok...

three things on my heart that beth brought up quite directly:
purity (the bride makes herself ready)
unified (speaks for itself, no?)
anointing... though she didnt dwell on this one, it's so powerful to me.
i long to see the laying on of hands in so many more places than ordinations. i think we should pray over each new believer after baptism... yeah, we dont pay enough attention to the Holy Spirit. honestly, we go around complaining that God isnt clear to us and doesnt talk to us.... but he does! this post is proof that he does, and we just dont get it. we have such thick skulls. those feelings and thoughts that come right out of our gut, that seem so sure and solid - even though they dont make a lick of sense...
like 'my name is timothy' ...what?


the next morning as i was reflecting on the study that's what i heard. about myself.
as in, me saying, 'my name is timothy'
now, some of you know i'm a bit independent and i've even had my desire for men questioned (before i had ever dated. fine, so i was a late bloomer, i say more people should be more easily questioned - shows that there are other things in life to focus on! soap box!). i would love to actually be a tomboy even though i guess i realize i'm not one... my mom pointed out to me once that i walk in a rather feminine way. ...and if counted, i own more high heels than other types of shoes combined... at the same time, i have been dealing w/ wanting to be the boy my dad never had, and i've always found my grandpa's 'hey boy' to be a term of endearment (he had 4 granddaughters, no grandsons - called us all 'boy'),  i also like knowing i can do anything i need to do on my own, by myself.

i've often asked God what his name for me is. a name is such a big deal, or it used to be. bible names have meanings. and my name even has a meaning, and i love it - kara nadine means pure hope. it wasnt on purpose, mom and dad didnt know they named me that, but God did. and even though i love being Pure Hope, i wanted to know what God calls me. i hadnt thought about this for a long time, so it came out of no where to get an answer. a strange answer.

for me to think God is telling me that i should have a boy name is really weird.

i'm writing a fiction novel w/ magic and creatures - the main character is a girl who finds herself bound to a very masculine dragon... they live together and he forms her into a woman she couldnt have become w/out him. it's a depiction (in a slanted, not-quite kind of way) of how the Holy Spirit works in me. so i decided that this would be why God would give me a boy name, but i really didnt think that jived. i knew it had a meaning, but i didnt know what it was. i'd look it up later. for now i thought i might be putting it on myself,
and that maybe even satan put it in my head. a step to further question my lady-ness.
then again, another way i decided to look at it- if i start a ministry - timothy ministries!
ta-da!
i've always loved the encouragement of youth to not be afraid to lead - you know, paul's timothy.
i'm young. i've gotten a lot of encouragement out of that.
but that doesnt answer why 'my name is'

now, today - a few days have gone by. i had actually forgotten about it. all morning i've been living in my own world, creating events that will never happen, words i would say that i would never say... wasted a lot of time.
looking at myself in the mirror i felt sad and looked away. God caught me, made me look back at myself and say, 'i dont need this in my life...i'm timothy'

ok, if it came back, then i should check it out. because now it's weird.
it's one of those names i've never learned the meaning of, so i open biblestudytools.com and find it in the greek lexicon: "honoring God"
oh.
i'm honoring God.
i wasnt though, but God knows my name. he calls me timothy. he knows my heart.
that made me cry. pretty hard too.
that's grace.