let this be my religion

my constant conflict with my identity and future is this - i want to be an artist. but i hate materialism.
incredible irony is my plague and torture...so i constantly plead to God to make my calling clear.
i can hardly justify making art and selling it so that someone can add to their list of stuph. i've written about throwing out the things that hinder our sight line of God - and if i make art that promotes this mentality and value system, there is no justification of a price tag. i have no choice but to give it away. but i cant. but i can...but i cant. you see my dilemma?
so i've been reading richard stearns' the hole in our gospel, and it is only becoming more obvious that my life is wasted if i only set out to make art that makes much of me, that depicts what is in my head and conveys my emotions. even if it 'speaks' to many people...so what? we all die. i guess i fit the artist role better than i realize sometimes...morbid, bi-polar in ways of hope and despair, and poetic about it. makes me think of david (famed king of israel, yeah, that david). i bet he would make a fabulous artist in todays world.
anywho. i think i have a project that moulds into this ideal art that i've been looking for - i have about 30 vintage stickers that say 'fragile', bright orange ones, and i want to identify at least 30 categories of 'the least of these' to either paint or photograph, wrap up like an opened package w/ the sticker and a twine ribbon on them. i dont know where they would go, or what they would accomplish, but if i am to love the least, i need to know who they are, where they are...and make it personal.

1 corinthians 12: 22-23, 26 "in fact, some parts of the body that seem weakest and least important are really the most necessary. and the parts we regard as less honorable are those we clothe with the greatest care...if one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad."
13:3, "if i gave everything i have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, i could boast about it; but if i didn't love others, i would be of no value whatsoever."
james 1:27, 2:1, "pure and lasting religion in the sight of God our Father means that we must care for orphans and widows in their troubles, and refuse to let the world corrupt us. my dear brothers, how can you claim that you have faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ if you favor some people more than others?"


so, my current list (in the order i thought of them):
1 unborn babies
2 babies born sick
3 unwed mothers
4 widows
5 elderly w/ no family
6 orphans
7 sexually abused
8 physically abused
9 emotionally abused
10 neglected
11 addicted
12 homeless
13 poor
14 handicapped physically
15 handicapped mentally
16 chronically sick
17 prisoners

i hope i'm not missing anyone, if i am, add to it. if this is my full list, i could combine some and make 2 of each and have 2 sets that could go places. who would put up such a display? it would not be for beauty. it would not be for comfort. it would not be for peace. are we courageous enough? am i? pray that i continue this project and do not let it fall behind.

wash, rinse, repeat. yes, but how many times?

to want something, but know you dont want it as badly as you want to want it. yeah. this is my life's address it seems. i want to be an artist, writer, creative mind...but i know i dont want it as badly as i need to in order to actually become this person. some may say i already am such a character, and to an extent i know that it's part of my identity. but as one can only know themselves - i know i am not who i want to be, but i dont know how to want it bad enough to actually do what it takes to make it happen.
surrendering my identity on the alter to God is the only place left. and it's been there the whole time...and i've put myself on it over and over throughout the years...so why does it seem i've crawled off to hide myself away from the only one who can make 'me'. i sing the songs, i write the poems, i ponder the deep thoughts - and? and i still dont know who i am. i think i know who God is, and i love everything i discover and find revealed to my finite mind, yet i cant keep myself from asking Him, yes but who am i? i'm obsessed with myself. and every time i come to realize this truth, i start to come to grips again with truth - that 'who am i?' is a stupid question. this blog is a template i follow probably once every few months or so. i get lost, turned around, uninspired...then i dig in to figure out why....and God is there. and kindness above kindness He always offers peace. He tells me, 'stop your frantic searching, i know you. i know who you are and what you do. so live. breath in each day. love me, because i love you. that is all the identity you need, and in it you will find the identity you want.' release. i'm so curious what His plans for me will look like. but i also wonder if i wont see it till it's already gone by.