wash, rinse, repeat. yes, but how many times?

to want something, but know you dont want it as badly as you want to want it. yeah. this is my life's address it seems. i want to be an artist, writer, creative mind...but i know i dont want it as badly as i need to in order to actually become this person. some may say i already am such a character, and to an extent i know that it's part of my identity. but as one can only know themselves - i know i am not who i want to be, but i dont know how to want it bad enough to actually do what it takes to make it happen.
surrendering my identity on the alter to God is the only place left. and it's been there the whole time...and i've put myself on it over and over throughout the years...so why does it seem i've crawled off to hide myself away from the only one who can make 'me'. i sing the songs, i write the poems, i ponder the deep thoughts - and? and i still dont know who i am. i think i know who God is, and i love everything i discover and find revealed to my finite mind, yet i cant keep myself from asking Him, yes but who am i? i'm obsessed with myself. and every time i come to realize this truth, i start to come to grips again with truth - that 'who am i?' is a stupid question. this blog is a template i follow probably once every few months or so. i get lost, turned around, uninspired...then i dig in to figure out why....and God is there. and kindness above kindness He always offers peace. He tells me, 'stop your frantic searching, i know you. i know who you are and what you do. so live. breath in each day. love me, because i love you. that is all the identity you need, and in it you will find the identity you want.' release. i'm so curious what His plans for me will look like. but i also wonder if i wont see it till it's already gone by.