i know junior high is a time of crazy insecurity and identification creation, but i never felt it. i've not taken a lot of time to work out why that is, and i've always felt bad for these kids who find it to be such a hard time. honestly, i've put the blame on themselves for their troubles. i've thought they put too much power in the hands of other kids, which has never made sense to me.
but then i was thinking about it.
sure, i was shy and stood off on purpose. i had my little circle of acquaintances, and that was enough for me. but it was in fact quite an awkward time for me. i have scoliosis, and during that time i wore a brace to help straighten me out. braces on your teeth is the common awkward meter, so i guess my problem was on such a different page no one else really knew what to do w/ it either. let me describe this thing to you, it was a plastic bodice molded to my body, starting just below my chest around my sternum, and stopped along the edge of my hips (which were so boney that they had to adjust it to have bumps over my hip bones, since they stuck out just far enough to not cooperate w/ the contraption). it had an opening on one side so my ribs could expand w/ my breathing, and a crack/break (open seam-line?) on the other side from the top to about my waist in order to bend it to put it on. the back was the opening, and it strapped tight with three velcro pulls. i guess it was kinda like an armless straight jacket made out of 1/8" ridged plastic.
yeah, when you're in junior high wearing something like that under your shirt people notice how proper you sit and how strange you move. but, when they find out why, the first thing they want to do is knock on it. and they did. made jokes about how it should have abdominal muscles on it, so that i could act like i was all buffed out. i smile thinking back to those strange days in junior high. i had a shield.
that idea occurred to me just the other day, that God protected me from the common harsh world of adolescence by literally giving me a shield. i had an answer to the other kids about my body (since really it is the body that gains identity in junior high). it didnt matter that i was a 'late-bloomer' and that i didnt look like the other girls. it didnt matter that i wasnt athletic or competitive. it didnt matter that i didnt have a crush on someone or know if someone had a crush on me. i was the girl w/ awesome posture and rock hard abs. i even remember one guy who thought it was so cool that he knocked on my stomach probably everyday, but then in high school when i didnt have it anymore and the rules of life changed yet again, i dont think he even realized who i was (not that you see the same people that often in a school of so many kids). and that might have hurt some people, but my social life wasnt attached to school. my closest friends were the kids i knew at church, and most of them went to other schools or were home-schooled. God was my shield in those formative years, and he gave me a physical shield to take w/ me into life.
a lot of kids dont want to be different from their peers. i never really had a choice. so i embraced it. i took being different on as part of my identity.
now, it's not like i was stuck in it all the time. i think the whole period of wearing it was two years. the first year i had to sleep in it, but not the second. my family was in tae kwon do (self-defense based martial art), and i obviously couldnt wear it there! but i did wear it at summer camp and the various youth group outings, as well as school for those two years.
it allowed for me to have a degree of separation from popularity contests and boy-crazy-neediness. it didnt force me into the outcasts, but it did put me in a place to find out that they're some of the nicest people i know. it put me in a place to know the kind people in all the various cliques. subconsciously i guess it also guided me away from those who are not kind. it's amazing how much drama you can avoid when you dont try to be friends w/ people who dont care about anyone but themselves. hm, i dare say that might be a good piece of advice.
so, i guess what i'm saying is that this culture creates a need for a shield. and so many kids dont have one. even the kids in church dont always get the protection of confidence, the comfort of having an answer to their peers about who they are. so often we dont realize that this is even a need. many times the idea given by adults that identity is something unquestioned only makes it more illusive. i know for me, identity is always changing, and at this point in my life that change is actually part of my identity. maybe if that was something i could go back and tell myself, i would. and i think if that kid could come tell me a thing or two, she'd say "dont forget your shield."
3/5/13
sometimes we kill things.
huh. turns out when you look up 'involuntary vegetarian' you find people writing about giving up meat because of health or a loved one. so i had to pick a different word, 'accidental vegetarian' got what i was looking for... i've noticed over the last few years i desire less and less meat, mainly beef and pork i guess, but i was just wondering if anyone else found themselves doing this. turns out yes, there are people out there who, like me, looked at themselves one day to notice a decreased consumption of meat. it's not really that big of a deal, but my parents think it's strange. and alongside that, i've had people ask me if i was vegetarian. to which i've answered, 'no'. it's usually followed by a 'but...'
i guess the reason it has caught my attention enough to write about it is my attempt to replace the meat w/ the greens and whatnot that i should be consuming. i'm not good about that. thankfully though i have always liked broccoli and peas... not the most substantial for a calorie-lacking individual like myself. i've recently been introduced to kale, and i find it much more enjoyable than cooked spinach. it doesnt get that weird stinky business going on. and it goes really fantastic with potatoes. any kind really, french fries, scalloped, mashed... it's a lovely pair.
anywho.
it's more than that, i dont care for dietary labeling. i think it's silly. so when people ask if i'm vegetarian, and then i say no because i like fish and stuph...then they move to asking if i'm pescetarian, etc. and i say no, i still eat the meat...just not often. but it's not just that, i really dont care to align myself w/ a diet type. it's almost a religious thing, if i let myself analyze how i truly see it. ah, now see here, this entry shows what i mean... we're a funny lot arent we? i would argue that anyone who eats outside of the vegan/vegetarian world is the flexitarian. what point is there in a label that has exceptions this diverse? i'm an 'x', but i anti-x in a few ways...so i'm not really an 'x' after all. i guess i'm a purist. i dont see the world the way vegans do, i think God has provided us w/ animals for food...which is why i see it as a religious issue. i think some people see the value of vegetarianism, and they shoot for the ideal, but they dont value vegetarianism, so they break the rules and give themselves a new name.
i wasnt really sure where this blog would go when i first started, i just felt like it would be a good topic for self-reflection... now i see what God is moving through in me. it's kinda neat, i hope you can appreciate it too.
we are spiritual beings, and people value the benefits of things like prayer and spiritual journeys, but they dont value prayer or spiritual journeys. food is like that. food is part of our journey. God did not design me to drink ensure (nutrition drink, i only like the chocolate ones, like you care.) just to get the calories i need to burn in order to function and 'do his will'. God designed me to enjoy the world, that is his will. he designed food to be not just a required part of life to take for granted, or to hoard, or to abstain from, or indulge in...
people are always talking about what diet they are on, how they're going to get on track this time... no, you are not going to get it right this time. you're doing it wrong. you're putting value in the idea, but you are not valuing the idea. one perspective keeps you on the outside, the other brings you into itself.
Jesus talked about abundant life... so why is it we wake up and think that life is somewhere outside of our immediate environment? i should be waking up to drink it all in, to step out of bed and feel the floor under my feet, to walk into my overflowing kitchen and partake in the goodness, then move into the day grateful (i should blog on the origin of that word, it doesnt make sense to me. full of grate?)...
ah, well sometimes it serves well for something to bother you - latin gratus. the root for grateful. i also think of grazie (italian for thank you), gracias (spanish), gratuity, grace... but gratus translates to 'pleasing'... thankfulness is rooted in pleasure.
life is never in short supply of demons. some of them are easy to see, and some are so well camouflaged that it isnt until we have stepped into the world of redesign in our minds - until we've redecorated - that they become dissonant to our senses. so long as they fit into our house (our minds), so long as they match the curtains, we walk by them daily. we dont spend a lot of time in other people's houses, so we just assume that everyone is like 'this', and that 'this' is normal. what brings me pleasure is knowing that God sees them. he sees my adoption of habits and spiritual ignorances (yes, i'm making it plural. it's too diverse to say there is only one perspective for myself to be ignorant in.) and ya know, even if everyone else does have 'this', doesnt mean that it's pretty. i'm full of side-notes today, sorry. yes, so, moving on. as we walk with Jesus, he points at the curtains, and says hey lets go shopping, and you bring in new curtains. all of the sudden, you see the demon, and it feels strange. like a robber invading your home, yet... you know this guy. you've seen it everyday. but you've never seen it like this.
food is one of those things for me. i live a way, and then Jesus changes something. then the new way reveals that i've harbored a stranger. it reveals that the source of a painful displeasure, a hindrance from that abundant life (a voice that has said, "abundant life is a lie and is selfish, besides impossible") - now i see that what was once about food, is now about my soul. about my gratus. about my gracias. my grace.
the bit in this definition titled 'word story' ends by saying we dont want to give something a coup de grâce, but i think we do. that stranger hiding in the curtains needs to say good bye.
and i need to live out the abundant life, understanding the purpose and pleasure of food in my spiritual journey. thanks for tagging along!
i guess the reason it has caught my attention enough to write about it is my attempt to replace the meat w/ the greens and whatnot that i should be consuming. i'm not good about that. thankfully though i have always liked broccoli and peas... not the most substantial for a calorie-lacking individual like myself. i've recently been introduced to kale, and i find it much more enjoyable than cooked spinach. it doesnt get that weird stinky business going on. and it goes really fantastic with potatoes. any kind really, french fries, scalloped, mashed... it's a lovely pair.
anywho.
it's more than that, i dont care for dietary labeling. i think it's silly. so when people ask if i'm vegetarian, and then i say no because i like fish and stuph...then they move to asking if i'm pescetarian, etc. and i say no, i still eat the meat...just not often. but it's not just that, i really dont care to align myself w/ a diet type. it's almost a religious thing, if i let myself analyze how i truly see it. ah, now see here, this entry shows what i mean... we're a funny lot arent we? i would argue that anyone who eats outside of the vegan/vegetarian world is the flexitarian. what point is there in a label that has exceptions this diverse? i'm an 'x', but i anti-x in a few ways...so i'm not really an 'x' after all. i guess i'm a purist. i dont see the world the way vegans do, i think God has provided us w/ animals for food...which is why i see it as a religious issue. i think some people see the value of vegetarianism, and they shoot for the ideal, but they dont value vegetarianism, so they break the rules and give themselves a new name.
i wasnt really sure where this blog would go when i first started, i just felt like it would be a good topic for self-reflection... now i see what God is moving through in me. it's kinda neat, i hope you can appreciate it too.
we are spiritual beings, and people value the benefits of things like prayer and spiritual journeys, but they dont value prayer or spiritual journeys. food is like that. food is part of our journey. God did not design me to drink ensure (nutrition drink, i only like the chocolate ones, like you care.) just to get the calories i need to burn in order to function and 'do his will'. God designed me to enjoy the world, that is his will. he designed food to be not just a required part of life to take for granted, or to hoard, or to abstain from, or indulge in...
people are always talking about what diet they are on, how they're going to get on track this time... no, you are not going to get it right this time. you're doing it wrong. you're putting value in the idea, but you are not valuing the idea. one perspective keeps you on the outside, the other brings you into itself.
Jesus talked about abundant life... so why is it we wake up and think that life is somewhere outside of our immediate environment? i should be waking up to drink it all in, to step out of bed and feel the floor under my feet, to walk into my overflowing kitchen and partake in the goodness, then move into the day grateful (i should blog on the origin of that word, it doesnt make sense to me. full of grate?)...
ah, well sometimes it serves well for something to bother you - latin gratus. the root for grateful. i also think of grazie (italian for thank you), gracias (spanish), gratuity, grace... but gratus translates to 'pleasing'... thankfulness is rooted in pleasure.
life is never in short supply of demons. some of them are easy to see, and some are so well camouflaged that it isnt until we have stepped into the world of redesign in our minds - until we've redecorated - that they become dissonant to our senses. so long as they fit into our house (our minds), so long as they match the curtains, we walk by them daily. we dont spend a lot of time in other people's houses, so we just assume that everyone is like 'this', and that 'this' is normal. what brings me pleasure is knowing that God sees them. he sees my adoption of habits and spiritual ignorances (yes, i'm making it plural. it's too diverse to say there is only one perspective for myself to be ignorant in.) and ya know, even if everyone else does have 'this', doesnt mean that it's pretty. i'm full of side-notes today, sorry. yes, so, moving on. as we walk with Jesus, he points at the curtains, and says hey lets go shopping, and you bring in new curtains. all of the sudden, you see the demon, and it feels strange. like a robber invading your home, yet... you know this guy. you've seen it everyday. but you've never seen it like this.
food is one of those things for me. i live a way, and then Jesus changes something. then the new way reveals that i've harbored a stranger. it reveals that the source of a painful displeasure, a hindrance from that abundant life (a voice that has said, "abundant life is a lie and is selfish, besides impossible") - now i see that what was once about food, is now about my soul. about my gratus. about my gracias. my grace.
the bit in this definition titled 'word story' ends by saying we dont want to give something a coup de grâce, but i think we do. that stranger hiding in the curtains needs to say good bye.
and i need to live out the abundant life, understanding the purpose and pleasure of food in my spiritual journey. thanks for tagging along!
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