i'm one of the very few people around that can forget and lose track of technology...knowingly...and not care. sorry for that, i guess.
well i say that, while i do check email and fb nearly daily...but that's about the extent of my 'need'.
my point - here i am! late, as usual.
.......
more and more lately it is being brought to my attention that 'christian culture' is lacking in the art scene. and honestly i completely agree - but i would go a step further and say 'american culture' is lacking. at least at the family/normal person level. we live in mass-produced, cheap, and shallow boxes. and we put up mass-produced, cheap, and shallow art. we listen to mass-audience music and watch mass-audience tv, which means that unlike the [insert brand name here] ad would lead you to believe - buying their product makes you just like everyone else, rather than different and unique (as they tout). anyone else noticing that? "i'm special, rich, and unique - so in order to become special, rich, and unique do what i do!"
sigh.
my dad reminds me that the way to make money as a painter is to sell prints. i guess you wouldnt be terribly surprised if i told you i've not printed a single one (ok, small lie - my dad has one in his office). granted, i've not gotten around to printing much of my photography either. but, my ponder is - is the possibility of mass what keeps me loyal to 'originals only'? i mean, i dont care how much i sell something for - and i realize art is in the realm of luxury - but why cant we have original art in our homes? i work in a frame store, and i see prints that are pixelated and blotchy, or blurry. it makes me kinda sad.
that said though, my friends and family hate it when i low-sell 'myself'. they think i should charge more, even though i ask them, "who's buyin'?" and i think i just hit on another note - i'm not selling 'myself'. i have no desire to create myself into a brand (though i greatly appreciate graphic design and the application of brand consistency). i dont care to be famous, i just wouldnt mind making enough of a living to make my dad nervous while being financially independent. though i also wouldnt mind if some special, rich, and unique guy came along and handed me money with no conditions. but who would?
not sure where this ramble is going.
oh, i remember. reading a blog just a moment ago, and it started w/ "an artist accepting her calling" or something like that. i had to pause. i keep waiting for some other 'calling' to be brought to me, as if my pleasure in painting couldnt really be what God has me here to do. but what if it is? what if i am to bring some art to the christian scene that doesnt set well the the masses. what if i actually let myself paint something that provoked some reactions? wouldnt that just be crazy?
7/24/12
5/4/12
so, he is out there?
more proof that when we are alone too long, we fall into old practices of false comfort. i'm so glad i've got my dear friend to help pull me out, even though she was unaware.
w/ another girl, we are reading a book i would have never ever ever never ever looked twice at - praying for your future husband. and yet, yesterday we talked over the phone w/ each other about ch 1 and 2. then before going to sleep, i read ch 3. God is bringing me such great things, and hard things, through that book. i am being brought to a place where i pray for a man that i really didnt believe was out there, and honestly was convinced that i didnt want or need him to be out there. but God knows my heart, that there are days that i know that it would be a blessing, and days that i think about those things. and he also knows that w/out a controlled environment my mind will not take those thoughts into a place of growth or holiness. so thanks for leading my friends to invite me to a place that terrifies me and makes me nervous. how long would it have taken me to allow your hand in this part of me on my own? too long. i already had my answer, so how could i ever ask a different question?
communal soul. even if i dont like it sometimes. it's usually the best thing in the world.
w/ another girl, we are reading a book i would have never ever ever never ever looked twice at - praying for your future husband. and yet, yesterday we talked over the phone w/ each other about ch 1 and 2. then before going to sleep, i read ch 3. God is bringing me such great things, and hard things, through that book. i am being brought to a place where i pray for a man that i really didnt believe was out there, and honestly was convinced that i didnt want or need him to be out there. but God knows my heart, that there are days that i know that it would be a blessing, and days that i think about those things. and he also knows that w/out a controlled environment my mind will not take those thoughts into a place of growth or holiness. so thanks for leading my friends to invite me to a place that terrifies me and makes me nervous. how long would it have taken me to allow your hand in this part of me on my own? too long. i already had my answer, so how could i ever ask a different question?
communal soul. even if i dont like it sometimes. it's usually the best thing in the world.
4/28/12
few things i truly hate.
scorpions. i hate them. with a passion, i hate them. *shudder*
and they keep showing up. in my bedroom. when i am trying to fall asleep. really? come on.
usually it is just one.
i can deal with one.
then go to sleep. in my own room. at peace.
but last night... first i scooped up a little caterpillar. fine. then a rolly polly that refused to roll (which made me sad, since that's their best feature)...then the first scorpion.
so, out of the corner of my eye i see something fall behind some frames leaning against the wall. i immediately grab the can of bug killer and i hear it walking towards my door - bam! spray that thing! ...it doesnt die. so i smash it. sigh, good. ok.
then.
i realize, wait, it just fell only a moment ago, it wouldnt have run that way - they usually stay in hiding places.
ah ha - there are two. spray the second one, knock it to the floor and put the can on top of it, because by now i'm really rather sick of dealing w/ creepy crawlies in my bedroom.
i slept on the couch in the living room.
today, i am demanding that a bug bomb be set off in the attic above my room.
i just thought you should know. had to get that out, thanks.
and they keep showing up. in my bedroom. when i am trying to fall asleep. really? come on.
usually it is just one.
i can deal with one.
then go to sleep. in my own room. at peace.
but last night... first i scooped up a little caterpillar. fine. then a rolly polly that refused to roll (which made me sad, since that's their best feature)...then the first scorpion.
so, out of the corner of my eye i see something fall behind some frames leaning against the wall. i immediately grab the can of bug killer and i hear it walking towards my door - bam! spray that thing! ...it doesnt die. so i smash it. sigh, good. ok.
then.
i realize, wait, it just fell only a moment ago, it wouldnt have run that way - they usually stay in hiding places.
ah ha - there are two. spray the second one, knock it to the floor and put the can on top of it, because by now i'm really rather sick of dealing w/ creepy crawlies in my bedroom.
i slept on the couch in the living room.
today, i am demanding that a bug bomb be set off in the attic above my room.
i just thought you should know. had to get that out, thanks.
3/30/12
viscosity of thoughts
with the help of a friend, who is fast becoming a good friend indeed, we've launched "OpenStudio" which is held on thurs mornings in a room of our church building. if you've read anything lately from me, you'll know that it was her effort, not mine, that made it happen. so now the artistic group (whoever it may be, each week is different) has a chance to be encouraged and bounce ideas around. one woman who hasnt painted in a while picked up a brush yesterday and played with some clouds. it's therapy!
but that's all more of a side note, a way to mention that i have a new level of art-accountability.
i need that.
another dear friend has challenged my artistic nature in the writing field. planted the idea of writing the script for a video he would shoot to show for next year's SOHLS (sanctity of human life sunday). now, coming up with words that are straight out of my heart about the value of life is the easy part. putting them in an orderly fashion that someone who doesnt already speak "kara-ese" is the hard part. and filtering down to just one idea is also terribly difficult.
but i do keep coming back to one thing.
beauty.
i need to talk to men and find out what their parallel concept is to beauty. strength?
in any case, and whatever word, it is an idea of a complete validation. a "yes" answer to all the doubts and questions of capability and functionality.
i long to dig into the core of every person and find the word that describes what we all long for.
so far, beauty seems to work really well - if we are willing to see it beyond a feminine external descriptor. i'm not talking about "pretty". this is something that is delicate, yet saturated in raw power.
i use the word as it describes sunsets and white-sand beaches; mountains and wildflowers; the craftsmanship in technology; the human mind; dormant volcanoes and cresting waves... whatever makes you pause, even if it is just for a moment, and want to obtain what that thing radiates.
i dont think there is a soul out there who believes this intangible substance is found within them, like a spring of water, inside where no one sees. perhaps the problem is that it is so deep. no one could ever bring it to surface, if such a spring exists.
take a look at our world. what have we decided to do since this raw potential cannot be tapped into? we attempt to create an external version. with clothes and cosmetics, our workouts and eating habits, our work and friends, we try to tell a story about our true self. but it doesnt work. we dont believe our own story, we constantly rewrite it, or long to. what industries make the most money? the ones we use to escape. pornography, fantasy games (from WOW to football, no one is left exempt), the fashion industry, and so many other outlets - they all reveal something. we want more, from life and from ourselves, but it is out of reach. so when someone tells us a new key has been cut that can free us from our fetters, we try it. some of us become obsessed with turning that key in a lock it does not fit into.
long ago i understood the hypocrisy of christianity, but if i had let people get in the way of Jesus i would never understand the fact that he has called us to dig deep and find the spring inside.
it terrifies me.
i think that is why we get so comfortable w/ our fake keys. if we accept the real one, a lot of hard work comes with it. there is a spring of raw power and beauty in each of us, for we were created by God Unfathomable. he tells us to look to him. that is all. just to look. i was reminded of this by c. h. spurgon, this was his call to The Anointed One, to look. but once we look, there is a call to never turn back. there is a call to unearth the spring that has been buried so long.
it's almost like this: looking upon God, the source of beauty, delicate raw power, causes all the mud that had covered the spring inside to be utterly blown away. but we dont know what to do with that, after so much uncertainty and seemingly unmovable life requirements have been set into our minds, we cover the spring back up. we've seen things done under claims of freedom, that look like they came from uncontrolled springs, that have caused true damage to humanity and deepened the resolve of many to keep trying other keys. let it be known that Jesus doesnt uncover a spring and let it go unchecked. if rage is on the outside, it is because the spring is still closed on the inside.
dont hear me say that a spring should be tamed. if the water is life, let it cover everything! drink deep and share. i am telling this to myself more than i am telling it to you. there is one who does not want us to enjoy this spring. and he tells us lies about it. shows us actions that we dont like, and tells us they came out of the spring. he shows us the mud on the hearts of people around us, tells us that it is too thick to ever be removed. worse than that, he tells us they are the mud and there is no spring. we have to look at each soul with a longing to see the spring inside them bubble in freedom. if we live treating people like they have a beauty, if we live looking for that in them...their externals and the mud are loosened and the chains wont seem as heavy. we also start to believe that our own springs have a chance. and guess what, if you are successful at looking at another person (even if they cut you off in traffic) and consider the potential of the spring inside, your spring is already flowing again.
so take a moment and look to Jesus, to God Unfathomable. let the lies and mud be flushed away. sit a moment and consider the raw power of Him inside you. surrender the fear that prevents you from letting Him display His glory in you.
ask Him to identify the name of your fear. mine is "unattractive ego"... the result is not only do i not brag on myself, i often do not brag about my beautiful God. this leads to me not using the gifts he has given me, and i start to put a little mud on the spring...
these are the things i want to share, the ideas... they flow around in my head. some are like water, they align to whatever else i've been dealing with and take that shape. some are thicker, like molasses, and they stick to my brain and are nearly inescapable! these are both good thoughts and bad thoughts. i wish the bad thoughts would only be like water so that i could put them in the right places, and the good thoughts like molasses so that they would never leave me alone. but i do not control the viscosity of my thoughts if i allow them to control me. take every thought captive. sigh, it's one thing to know, and another to do. God help me.
but that's all more of a side note, a way to mention that i have a new level of art-accountability.
i need that.
another dear friend has challenged my artistic nature in the writing field. planted the idea of writing the script for a video he would shoot to show for next year's SOHLS (sanctity of human life sunday). now, coming up with words that are straight out of my heart about the value of life is the easy part. putting them in an orderly fashion that someone who doesnt already speak "kara-ese" is the hard part. and filtering down to just one idea is also terribly difficult.
but i do keep coming back to one thing.
beauty.
i need to talk to men and find out what their parallel concept is to beauty. strength?
in any case, and whatever word, it is an idea of a complete validation. a "yes" answer to all the doubts and questions of capability and functionality.
i long to dig into the core of every person and find the word that describes what we all long for.
so far, beauty seems to work really well - if we are willing to see it beyond a feminine external descriptor. i'm not talking about "pretty". this is something that is delicate, yet saturated in raw power.
i use the word as it describes sunsets and white-sand beaches; mountains and wildflowers; the craftsmanship in technology; the human mind; dormant volcanoes and cresting waves... whatever makes you pause, even if it is just for a moment, and want to obtain what that thing radiates.
i dont think there is a soul out there who believes this intangible substance is found within them, like a spring of water, inside where no one sees. perhaps the problem is that it is so deep. no one could ever bring it to surface, if such a spring exists.
take a look at our world. what have we decided to do since this raw potential cannot be tapped into? we attempt to create an external version. with clothes and cosmetics, our workouts and eating habits, our work and friends, we try to tell a story about our true self. but it doesnt work. we dont believe our own story, we constantly rewrite it, or long to. what industries make the most money? the ones we use to escape. pornography, fantasy games (from WOW to football, no one is left exempt), the fashion industry, and so many other outlets - they all reveal something. we want more, from life and from ourselves, but it is out of reach. so when someone tells us a new key has been cut that can free us from our fetters, we try it. some of us become obsessed with turning that key in a lock it does not fit into.
long ago i understood the hypocrisy of christianity, but if i had let people get in the way of Jesus i would never understand the fact that he has called us to dig deep and find the spring inside.
it terrifies me.
i think that is why we get so comfortable w/ our fake keys. if we accept the real one, a lot of hard work comes with it. there is a spring of raw power and beauty in each of us, for we were created by God Unfathomable. he tells us to look to him. that is all. just to look. i was reminded of this by c. h. spurgon, this was his call to The Anointed One, to look. but once we look, there is a call to never turn back. there is a call to unearth the spring that has been buried so long.
it's almost like this: looking upon God, the source of beauty, delicate raw power, causes all the mud that had covered the spring inside to be utterly blown away. but we dont know what to do with that, after so much uncertainty and seemingly unmovable life requirements have been set into our minds, we cover the spring back up. we've seen things done under claims of freedom, that look like they came from uncontrolled springs, that have caused true damage to humanity and deepened the resolve of many to keep trying other keys. let it be known that Jesus doesnt uncover a spring and let it go unchecked. if rage is on the outside, it is because the spring is still closed on the inside.
dont hear me say that a spring should be tamed. if the water is life, let it cover everything! drink deep and share. i am telling this to myself more than i am telling it to you. there is one who does not want us to enjoy this spring. and he tells us lies about it. shows us actions that we dont like, and tells us they came out of the spring. he shows us the mud on the hearts of people around us, tells us that it is too thick to ever be removed. worse than that, he tells us they are the mud and there is no spring. we have to look at each soul with a longing to see the spring inside them bubble in freedom. if we live treating people like they have a beauty, if we live looking for that in them...their externals and the mud are loosened and the chains wont seem as heavy. we also start to believe that our own springs have a chance. and guess what, if you are successful at looking at another person (even if they cut you off in traffic) and consider the potential of the spring inside, your spring is already flowing again.
so take a moment and look to Jesus, to God Unfathomable. let the lies and mud be flushed away. sit a moment and consider the raw power of Him inside you. surrender the fear that prevents you from letting Him display His glory in you.
ask Him to identify the name of your fear. mine is "unattractive ego"... the result is not only do i not brag on myself, i often do not brag about my beautiful God. this leads to me not using the gifts he has given me, and i start to put a little mud on the spring...
these are the things i want to share, the ideas... they flow around in my head. some are like water, they align to whatever else i've been dealing with and take that shape. some are thicker, like molasses, and they stick to my brain and are nearly inescapable! these are both good thoughts and bad thoughts. i wish the bad thoughts would only be like water so that i could put them in the right places, and the good thoughts like molasses so that they would never leave me alone. but i do not control the viscosity of my thoughts if i allow them to control me. take every thought captive. sigh, it's one thing to know, and another to do. God help me.
1/14/12
tender splendor
self-discipline. i have very little of my own. i so fully depend on the Holy Spirit to touch my motivation circuits. which is the only reason i'm here writing now.
so thank you for joining me.
i have a button on my heart that is labeled "failure". satan knows exactly where it is. and so does God.
much to my disliking, God knows that the only way to disable a button like this is to let it be pushed so that i can watch God move in spite of me. like tomorrow, i will be leading, teaching if you prefer, my sunday school class while our normal leader is out. the first thing in my head is 'who told you i was a good teacher and why?' but i didnt ask. i just accepted it, and i've spent a while working through the material...not nearly as long as i should have, or would have liked...but it's a topic i love, the goodness of God.
i have the capacity to be scared out of my mind over this whole ordeal. satan is trying to push my "failure" button with great abandon, yet Jesus is so gentle about guarding my tender place. i'm an introvert, i'm an artistic type, yet i'm a studier and researcher and love sharing my thoughts to my friends. but this... it's like asking a high school senior to guest lecture in a university weed-out class. i mean, this isnt really a group of my peers. many are married and have children, and there are a sprinkling of those who have pastored their own churches for a time. who am i? well, i'm a young woman who has already tried to lead a sunday school class and "failed". i'm not eloquent and if you've read much of my blog so far, i'm no writer either. my thoughts don't flow, even when i'm using a published book as a guide. but because i do live in the faith of God's goodness, i know he will be glorified in my feeble attempt to share why anyone else should see it.
thankfully i wasnt given time to consider saying no to this offer. she approached me, and i said yes. so now i have no room for satan's words of "dont accept a chance to fail, how stupid." ...oh, two buttons in one sentence, he's a talented being. well, i guess that just means he's calling me stupid. yet, even that button was silenced, for she told me that i was being asked because someone told her that i was a good teacher. if it was you, how dare you. but in all seriousness, thank you. i couldnt be given any greater honor.
if a high school senior is nerding-out over a particular topic, and has dedicated his life to digging into it, and then is invited to share to a lecture hall of advanced thinkers - surely that kid puts the listeners to shame, right? they werent asked to do it. i know this is far fetched and many of those 'students' have already guest lectured in my parallel universe...but it's what it feels like, even though my real thought is that they will simply be humoring me tomorrow. "isnt she so cute?" oh sigh. God, you are about your glory, and i plead that i am used to bring about an understanding of your goodness. you use the weak, you warned me a long time ago that this was true. here goes.
so thank you for joining me.
i have a button on my heart that is labeled "failure". satan knows exactly where it is. and so does God.
much to my disliking, God knows that the only way to disable a button like this is to let it be pushed so that i can watch God move in spite of me. like tomorrow, i will be leading, teaching if you prefer, my sunday school class while our normal leader is out. the first thing in my head is 'who told you i was a good teacher and why?' but i didnt ask. i just accepted it, and i've spent a while working through the material...not nearly as long as i should have, or would have liked...but it's a topic i love, the goodness of God.
i have the capacity to be scared out of my mind over this whole ordeal. satan is trying to push my "failure" button with great abandon, yet Jesus is so gentle about guarding my tender place. i'm an introvert, i'm an artistic type, yet i'm a studier and researcher and love sharing my thoughts to my friends. but this... it's like asking a high school senior to guest lecture in a university weed-out class. i mean, this isnt really a group of my peers. many are married and have children, and there are a sprinkling of those who have pastored their own churches for a time. who am i? well, i'm a young woman who has already tried to lead a sunday school class and "failed". i'm not eloquent and if you've read much of my blog so far, i'm no writer either. my thoughts don't flow, even when i'm using a published book as a guide. but because i do live in the faith of God's goodness, i know he will be glorified in my feeble attempt to share why anyone else should see it.
thankfully i wasnt given time to consider saying no to this offer. she approached me, and i said yes. so now i have no room for satan's words of "dont accept a chance to fail, how stupid." ...oh, two buttons in one sentence, he's a talented being. well, i guess that just means he's calling me stupid. yet, even that button was silenced, for she told me that i was being asked because someone told her that i was a good teacher. if it was you, how dare you. but in all seriousness, thank you. i couldnt be given any greater honor.
if a high school senior is nerding-out over a particular topic, and has dedicated his life to digging into it, and then is invited to share to a lecture hall of advanced thinkers - surely that kid puts the listeners to shame, right? they werent asked to do it. i know this is far fetched and many of those 'students' have already guest lectured in my parallel universe...but it's what it feels like, even though my real thought is that they will simply be humoring me tomorrow. "isnt she so cute?" oh sigh. God, you are about your glory, and i plead that i am used to bring about an understanding of your goodness. you use the weak, you warned me a long time ago that this was true. here goes.
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