geronimo!

what am i getting myself into? i'm in free fall.
i'm going to visit MA to see if i might move there. i'm looking for a job here till then, plus one for when i get there...if that's where i'm going. i hope i am. i'm also writing a book. considering doing a compilation of my poetry. wouldnt it be something if i become a writer? ...i mean, a writer by trade, who makes a living...not just someone who taps the keys and thinks out loud.
it seems on the ironic side. most people who write - write all the time, everywhere...they blog and journal and share all the time. and i...uhm, i attempt, try, do my best to remember - to do these things! i feel like there has to be something God created me to do, that i can look at and think, "yeah, that's my awesome gift from God. i am going to do that." but i just shrug and look at my work and hope someone thinks it's at least alright. i get stuck on the self-doubting thing way too much. when i get stuck i lose time to do the things i enjoy and i waste the time i could have for improving myself. so, stop it! stop it, self, i say!
there are some phrases God has placed in my head, and they surface every now and again to keep me on track: "it is time to be new" and "paint what is in the dark"... it's strange to me how much they make sense, though they keep changing. well, the latter one does. the former is pretty consistent. i'm really good at self-analysis and dwelling on mistakes - instead of being dead to self on the outside, i'm dead on the inside - which is not how we are created to be! so, praise God he is so kind, he says to me, "new, be new."
now, painting what is in the dark... it can be taken so many ways, what is in my heart, what is literally in the dark, what can be seen only by one point of light...what people refuse to see in culture or society and in the world...paint what is in the dark. ...have i written about this thought? perhaps in my "artist blog".... i'm two sided, so i try to keep personal things here, and let the more public things out there. granted, i havent written in either in a long time. sorry, i can tell you're so disappointed!

we want to make choices, unquestioned. ...unquestioned and without consequence.
but then we ask, "what happened? how did life get like this?"
maybe we should have asked more questions.