to submit this blog entry, i must click, "publish"

looking back i realize God set up each of the writing-intensive courses (w-courses) i took in college. my degree program only required ONE, and when i first started out there was only ONE on my list -oh, but - but, little did i know that 3 courses would be changed to w-courses, quite literally the semester i took them. not before. as in "this class has never been a w course, it wasnt one last semester - but low and behold - now it is! just for you! even though you already took the expected course thinking you were done. nay, behold i say - you are now enrolled in another one." repeat. repeat. repeat.
my little head was tilted up, looking at God, picturing him sitting on his throne looking back at me, and i would ask, "seriously? what's the deal?"
he was probably shaking his head, smiling. i can see him playfully shrugging his shoulders w/ a facial expression alluding to his all-knowing-ness and a message of, "you will see!"
i didnt care for that response. i wasnt in school to write. that was a waste of my time! i was going to be in computer graphics in some way. writing was nice, but not when it doesnt take you closer to your end goals!

now, here i am... how many years later? about 5-7 i guess. and i want to write. the more i get to know myself, the more i change my mind about who i am, yet at the same time i come to realize exactly who i am. i'm a crazy introvert thinker who just wants to make other people more awesome. but that doesnt really open a lot of easy jobs when you didnt know how to get the right educational background.

i just spent about 4 years in a job that was slowly killing me, on a lovely curve chasing an asymptote - near the end, my death came to knock swiftly. i had to get out. not many people will have any idea what that is like. they're capable to doing a job that kills them a little bit, because it only kills them the same little bit for years on end. if that's the worst of it, a little weekend get away brings most of that life right back and you can start all over again. sounds ideal actually. make the money that gets you the rest, use the rest, go back to making money. nope. make the money that gets you away long enough to realize if you go back you might go insane...that's more my story. what i really hated wasnt my insanity's affect on me, but on my boss. what good is an employee that drives you crazy? i cant be that person! so, i'm not anymore.

which brings me back - i like to write. but to live on that, i will have to figure out how to write. i will have to figure out what to write, even if it's not what i really want to write about. but i didnt know that when i had to take those classes in college, when i was writing about things i didnt care about, when i could have learned to enjoy the process and practice the skill of the trade. i dont feel qualified to apply to write for any kind of newsletter or online paper, etc. i know there are people who did go and learn and study and apply themselves to become writers. i should write a column on 'overcoming self-doubt'. irony suits me.

it's a bit scary to consider putting my work out there. to picture myself dedicating my time to thinking and research, without it being wasted time produced by my tangent daydreaming. i've written quite a bit of poetry, and some of it i've shared w/ people, but not much. you'll be getting some soon, i'll post a few for you later today i think. it's nice to think i will finally take this blog more seriously, not so much like a social requirement, but a spiritual release and mental purification. it's kinda nice. i send my gratitude to the people of blogger.com. if i look at it this way, i've already been published.