i'm already an emotional nomad, why not be a physical one? ...only half kidding... about both... sorta. i'm reading a book called "the man who quit money" by mark sundeen, and it is fascinating. perhaps dangerously so. i still have to check out his (daniel suelo, who it's about) blog, but i will eventually. these are my favorite quotes from the book, as i've been reading it... oh, be warned, it's more religious than christian, though there is no doubt Jesus is a force w/in it. there's no way the christian book store would sell it (for reasons i dont disclose). oh, and you'll find a smattering of my thoughts along the way too (of course)
"...[those] who were looking for a more intense connection to the sacred than their churches could offer."
tragic reality. longing to change that in my own environment...
"if we're following our path, then worrying about what could or should happen is a worse illness than what could or should happen"
"it was refreshing at the time to know such a person after i had struggled with...situations where people were more concerned about making me who i wasnt rather than letting their own selves be known."
ouch, right?
and this, a description of suelo, "you were able to point out beautiful things even in the midst of your own despair."
and my current personal struggle! "if i can overcome what people think about me, i can overcome anything."
while it has been raining this whole afternoon, i had some thoughts lead by the mood of this book...
i want to be like the rain. it comes when You call it, it gives its all till it is gone and yet You can call it to come over and over. at the same time, it has no complaint if it isnt called...i suppose it is always called somewhere, i just dont always see it where i am. were i the center of anything, much less the falling rain.
after going into all the things i love about our current financial system (nothing), and the firm conclusion suelo comes to about it being illusory and even more so a symptom revealing "human inclination toward credit and debt" this is a passage we must come across soberly:
"poverty was once considered a christian virtue for it was meant to indicate a lack of concern for the values of this world and a concentration on the life to come,' writes vine deloria in God is Red. 'in the centuries after the protestant reformation, poverty was considered indicative of sloth and other sins, and it was seen as proof of the individual's degeneracy... as the white populace of christian america has become more affluent, the concept of stewardship has been developed to explain the embarrassingly rapid growth of wealth of a substantial number of peoples. the theory goes that we are not really greedy, God has simply blessed us by giving us wealth over which we are to exercise good stewardship."
he goes into what he really sees behind credit/debt: "our reliance on money is akin to original sin...'notice how predators and prey have no sense of vengeance, no pay back...(vengeance is mine, says the Lord). yet we humans have stolen payment and debt from the gods. we cannot freely give or freely recveive anything. we live under constant obligation."
fascinating.
"money perpetuated the fantasy of immortal earthly life, the illusion that we could determine the future."
huh. have we ever paused to consider the fact that we have a clothing store called banana republic? ever stop to think about what that means? it is pretty sickening. we glorify the idea of single-use functionality. be it only having one purpose or only having the ability to be used once.
we do this w/ our minds and our bodies. we have taken the glorious fractal of the created order - of the cosmos, of the earth, the body, even God - and reduced it to singularity. no wonder we have no joy, we're so easily embittered against everything and everyone and become ourselves believers of our own singular use.
i cant live that way. the soul is diverse....
this is a fun phrase, "prius-driving cousin of freeganism" haha, nice way to sum up the careful-culture we idealize in our suburban world.
i find this mentality so close to my own, "...my hardships were long-term, complex anxieties. what am i going to do with my life, how am i going to pay rent or pay insurance, what's retirement going to be like, what am i going to do for a career, what are people going to think if i do this or that? to me that stuff is actually unbearable. and i think most people are dealing with it."
ok, here's another painful swallow:
"wasnt that what Jesus said? do what I do? He was here as an example for us to follow. same with all the prophets. didnt the prophets tell us to be like them? that's what's wrong w/ christianity. they make Jesus and the prophets into icons, take them off of earth, and put them in heaven to worship them, so they're no longer accessible. you've taken a reality and made it into a worthless idol. christians talk about the idolatry of other religions, but when they no longer live principles and just worship the people who taught them, that's exactly what they're doing."
ah, at the end of the acknowledgments we find out that a woman dear to his heart agreed to marry him, and his last words to end it all (to her i presume): "love love love."
5/22/13
brace yourself.
hi my name is kara, i live in my parent's house. you could say i'm one part slacker, one part idealist, one part realist.
hold on, let me clear my throat...and start over...
hi my name is kara, and i'm writing these last words on the last scrap of square paper. looking back i realize that it was a bit posh to pack on such a rugged adventure. especially now that it will no longer be necessary. it's a funny story, really. well, no it isn't. but it usually lightens things up to say so. i'm currently alone in a pocket of air under an avalanche, my last bit of light is dying out so i must hurry. so far i'm amazed at how much is actually fitting on this frozen tissue. this was supposed to be a simple three day summit excursion. well, if i knew how long i've been here now, i could tell you how much longer than six days it has been.
why am i writing this strange story? i have no idea. it came to me while driving this afternoon, so i figured i'd write it down. and now it has become kind of annoying.
i think i need an adventure. but... preferably where the chances of writing my last will on tp is close enough to zero that it is zero. i dont want a pretend adventure either. i'm thinking about calling a friend who lives out of town on a ranch, see if i can spend a few days out there....but then what? i want to live for something.
that was another thought this afternoon. i want to work for something. now, most people if they're honest will own up to working for money. in our culture that's the standard trade. and if i get a job that gives me money for my work, that's great, but i dont want to be working for money. i want to work for something else. i think it's paul that says work as if working for the Lord, well, i want to do that... but there arent many ways to do that without pressing into our american way of more more more more more more more moremoremore...and more what? ...money. well boo. it's not like what money gets us is all that great. everything that isnt eternal one day will burn. so... give me simple, but give me depth. that sounds like that famous, "give me liberty or give me death"...but not exactly...unless liberty isnt what we think it is these days. hm, what is liberty? "The state of being free within society from oppressive restrictions imposed by authority on one's way of life." thanks google! liberty sounds dangerous.
doesnt it?
commence rabbit trail: ok, when does a restriction become oppressive? "Prolonged cruel or unjust treatment or control"
uh, unjust? "Not based on or behaving according to what is morally right and fair."
huh... so...moral "Concerned with the principles of right and wrong behavior and the goodness or badness of human character" uh oh, right and wrong is dangerous territory... and fair? "In accordance with the rules or standards; legitimate" ...rules, what about those? "explicit or understood regulations or principles governing conduct within a particular activity or sphere"
ok, ok. so what i'm getting out of this is that someone somewhere has to decide/make the rules in order for this to work, and we'd all agree that a government left to its own to decide is bad, and that the people left to their own is also bad.....take out absolutes completely... no wonder we're collapsing. there is no way to define liberty w/out absolutes.
good thing i'm foremost a citizen of heaven, they have absolutes there. and if i'm playing for keeps, then i really need to pay attention to the rule maker. and i think a rule might be, where there is discontentment there should be investigation. i dont know if i should just deal w/ my current situation, or act crazy and do something ridiculous. i favor the latter. you're probably not terribly surprised.
who wants to go on an adventure?
hold on, let me clear my throat...and start over...
hi my name is kara, and i'm writing these last words on the last scrap of square paper. looking back i realize that it was a bit posh to pack on such a rugged adventure. especially now that it will no longer be necessary. it's a funny story, really. well, no it isn't. but it usually lightens things up to say so. i'm currently alone in a pocket of air under an avalanche, my last bit of light is dying out so i must hurry. so far i'm amazed at how much is actually fitting on this frozen tissue. this was supposed to be a simple three day summit excursion. well, if i knew how long i've been here now, i could tell you how much longer than six days it has been.
why am i writing this strange story? i have no idea. it came to me while driving this afternoon, so i figured i'd write it down. and now it has become kind of annoying.
i think i need an adventure. but... preferably where the chances of writing my last will on tp is close enough to zero that it is zero. i dont want a pretend adventure either. i'm thinking about calling a friend who lives out of town on a ranch, see if i can spend a few days out there....but then what? i want to live for something.
that was another thought this afternoon. i want to work for something. now, most people if they're honest will own up to working for money. in our culture that's the standard trade. and if i get a job that gives me money for my work, that's great, but i dont want to be working for money. i want to work for something else. i think it's paul that says work as if working for the Lord, well, i want to do that... but there arent many ways to do that without pressing into our american way of more more more more more more more moremoremore...and more what? ...money. well boo. it's not like what money gets us is all that great. everything that isnt eternal one day will burn. so... give me simple, but give me depth. that sounds like that famous, "give me liberty or give me death"...but not exactly...unless liberty isnt what we think it is these days. hm, what is liberty? "The state of being free within society from oppressive restrictions imposed by authority on one's way of life." thanks google! liberty sounds dangerous.
doesnt it?
commence rabbit trail: ok, when does a restriction become oppressive? "Prolonged cruel or unjust treatment or control"
uh, unjust? "Not based on or behaving according to what is morally right and fair."
huh... so...moral "Concerned with the principles of right and wrong behavior and the goodness or badness of human character" uh oh, right and wrong is dangerous territory... and fair? "In accordance with the rules or standards; legitimate" ...rules, what about those? "explicit or understood regulations or principles governing conduct within a particular activity or sphere"
ok, ok. so what i'm getting out of this is that someone somewhere has to decide/make the rules in order for this to work, and we'd all agree that a government left to its own to decide is bad, and that the people left to their own is also bad.....take out absolutes completely... no wonder we're collapsing. there is no way to define liberty w/out absolutes.
good thing i'm foremost a citizen of heaven, they have absolutes there. and if i'm playing for keeps, then i really need to pay attention to the rule maker. and i think a rule might be, where there is discontentment there should be investigation. i dont know if i should just deal w/ my current situation, or act crazy and do something ridiculous. i favor the latter. you're probably not terribly surprised.
who wants to go on an adventure?
5/20/13
how i wish i could see it
i love seeing what ties mythology to biblical narrative. but one that is just now being made evident to me is that of the phoenix and the seraphim. not that it isnt new to other people, as a google search will tell you.
but i'd bet we're likely more familiar w/ the firebird that raises from its own ashes than we are with the strange angelic creatures in the bible. so:
ever heard of the cherubim and seraphim? maybe? well, that's the seraphim i'm talking about. what are they? they are mentioned in numbers, deuteronomy, and isaiah. the first place we are introduced to them is in numbers - the israelites have turned away from God and are being stupid and stubborn and have no faith or trust in Him, so God sends seraphs to start killing them. moses is commanded to make a staff w/ a bronze seraph on it, and those that look at it will be saved. now if you're like me you're saying, "wait - i thought it was snakes biting the people, what's this about it being a seraph? i thought those were angels. was it not snakes?"
well, no idea. in the definitions they say it can be a poisonous snake*
another thing you're thinking - why would that have any parallel to the phoenix? snake = bird that sets itself on fire? ok, so let me give you the translation/description of what a seraph is:
a fiery serpent. not just a snake, but a snake on fire. the root word it comes from means: to burn.
* they say it can be a poisonous snake by contributing the poison as the fire factor. hm, sure.
so then you go to isaiah, where it gives a visual description of one of these things. in this case a seraph has 6 wings, and is found above the throne of God.
when the phoenix is preparing to die, it gathers cinnamon, and spikenard, and myrrh - incense. it burns incense. biblically this is used in acts of worship. in isaiah 6, where we get the description of seraphim, in verse 4 it says the whole temple is filled with smoke. trust me, he isnt saying it's on fire - there is so much incense burning in their worship, it fills the temple.
now, if seraphs are burning ones, then what is a better word for snake? satan* is called a snake in the garden of eden, genesis 3:1 - that word is different, nachash. its root means 'to practice divination, divine, observe signs, learn by experience, diligently observe, practice fortunetelling, take as an omen'
this word for snake is used when moses throws his staff to the ground and it becomes a snake.
this isnt the word used in the other story, this isnt the kind of snake moses later makes out of bronze....however it is used to reference it in 2 kings.
my brain is whirling right now. fiery snakes that may or may not have wings. well, isaiah 30:6 talks about a flying serpent.
*with the various descriptions of satan, i cant help but wonder how he plays into this...was once a cherub - a guardian. in ezekiel, it talks about the king of tyre, and many people see it as prophetic/descriptive of the serpent in eden - it describes him as having walked on the mountain of God among the stones of fire. stones of fire? consider it this way: alter stones (consider again the isaiah 6 passage). his fate is being consumed by fire that comes from w/in himself. interesting. banned from his place at the alter, he becomes the phoenix? or at least wants to perhaps... interesting.
back to the parallel...
firebird w/ a tail of gold and scarlet, purple and blue - lavish and vibrant color and value. when it dies, it bursts into flame.
king of tyre whose clothing was adorned with every precious stone, a mighty guardian on the mountain of God. destroyed by fire from within.
so what about the rebirth?
well, the phoenix -
in egypt, the bennu created itself from a fire that was burned on a holy tree... called “He Who Came Into Being by Himself,” “Ascending One"...
other cultures seem to agree that it is a good creature that will bring blessing.
in china, it reigns over all the other birds...
oh, check this and tell me if it rings a bell:
During the Han Dynasty (2,200 years ago) two phoenixes, one a male (feng, 鳳) and the other a female (huang, 凰) were often shown together facing one other...
do you see it? in the most holy place in the temple are two cherubim facing each other over lain in gold. yes, i know - not seraphim, but still!
oh- epiphany after epiphany! ok, several traditions hold that if this bird lands on your head - you'll be a king.
something like a dove landed on Jesus after his baptism. fascinating.
ok, another fun parallel for another day, the griffin and the cherub.
another thing i wouldnt mind being able to do is read the books of enoch from the apocrypha, he talks about seraphim and other things, i wouldnt mind finding out what he has to day about it.
well, i'm worn out now. hope you had fun following my madness!
but i'd bet we're likely more familiar w/ the firebird that raises from its own ashes than we are with the strange angelic creatures in the bible. so:
ever heard of the cherubim and seraphim? maybe? well, that's the seraphim i'm talking about. what are they? they are mentioned in numbers, deuteronomy, and isaiah. the first place we are introduced to them is in numbers - the israelites have turned away from God and are being stupid and stubborn and have no faith or trust in Him, so God sends seraphs to start killing them. moses is commanded to make a staff w/ a bronze seraph on it, and those that look at it will be saved. now if you're like me you're saying, "wait - i thought it was snakes biting the people, what's this about it being a seraph? i thought those were angels. was it not snakes?"
well, no idea. in the definitions they say it can be a poisonous snake*
another thing you're thinking - why would that have any parallel to the phoenix? snake = bird that sets itself on fire? ok, so let me give you the translation/description of what a seraph is:
a fiery serpent. not just a snake, but a snake on fire. the root word it comes from means: to burn.
* they say it can be a poisonous snake by contributing the poison as the fire factor. hm, sure.
so then you go to isaiah, where it gives a visual description of one of these things. in this case a seraph has 6 wings, and is found above the throne of God.
when the phoenix is preparing to die, it gathers cinnamon, and spikenard, and myrrh - incense. it burns incense. biblically this is used in acts of worship. in isaiah 6, where we get the description of seraphim, in verse 4 it says the whole temple is filled with smoke. trust me, he isnt saying it's on fire - there is so much incense burning in their worship, it fills the temple.
now, if seraphs are burning ones, then what is a better word for snake? satan* is called a snake in the garden of eden, genesis 3:1 - that word is different, nachash. its root means 'to practice divination, divine, observe signs, learn by experience, diligently observe, practice fortunetelling, take as an omen'
this word for snake is used when moses throws his staff to the ground and it becomes a snake.
this isnt the word used in the other story, this isnt the kind of snake moses later makes out of bronze....however it is used to reference it in 2 kings.
my brain is whirling right now. fiery snakes that may or may not have wings. well, isaiah 30:6 talks about a flying serpent.
*with the various descriptions of satan, i cant help but wonder how he plays into this...was once a cherub - a guardian. in ezekiel, it talks about the king of tyre, and many people see it as prophetic/descriptive of the serpent in eden - it describes him as having walked on the mountain of God among the stones of fire. stones of fire? consider it this way: alter stones (consider again the isaiah 6 passage). his fate is being consumed by fire that comes from w/in himself. interesting. banned from his place at the alter, he becomes the phoenix? or at least wants to perhaps... interesting.
back to the parallel...
firebird w/ a tail of gold and scarlet, purple and blue - lavish and vibrant color and value. when it dies, it bursts into flame.
king of tyre whose clothing was adorned with every precious stone, a mighty guardian on the mountain of God. destroyed by fire from within.
so what about the rebirth?
well, the phoenix -
in egypt, the bennu created itself from a fire that was burned on a holy tree... called “He Who Came Into Being by Himself,” “Ascending One"...
other cultures seem to agree that it is a good creature that will bring blessing.
in china, it reigns over all the other birds...
oh, check this and tell me if it rings a bell:
During the Han Dynasty (2,200 years ago) two phoenixes, one a male (feng, 鳳) and the other a female (huang, 凰) were often shown together facing one other...
do you see it? in the most holy place in the temple are two cherubim facing each other over lain in gold. yes, i know - not seraphim, but still!
oh- epiphany after epiphany! ok, several traditions hold that if this bird lands on your head - you'll be a king.
something like a dove landed on Jesus after his baptism. fascinating.
ok, another fun parallel for another day, the griffin and the cherub.
another thing i wouldnt mind being able to do is read the books of enoch from the apocrypha, he talks about seraphim and other things, i wouldnt mind finding out what he has to day about it.
well, i'm worn out now. hope you had fun following my madness!
5/17/13
i'm a mess, and so is that night intruder.
so here's another perspective on the attack of the scorpions... God is pushing me to move away! i only partially joke. but tell ya what, if i was starting to get cozy these last few weeks that was a quick way to throw me off. couldnt You have just revealed a job or some insight instead? seriously, these things give me the heebeist geebies. i'm gunna need more than paranoid fear to get out though.
i really hate them. and i googled them, turns out they're related to spiders. satan spiders. that is what they are. ugh. found out spray paint doesnt kill them. just gives them a prettier outer shell that is harder to smash. so i retreated to the couch and watched doctor who, then discovered that bbc world news is pretty good stuph. then i fell asleep. there's still a pastel blue squished mess to clean up eventually though. it's a really good thing we never finished the floor in there. sigh.
well, i should be artsy today. get some of this pent-up energy out.
another strange thing. what's the deal w/ the anxiety hit when my parents talk about job stuph? yes, i want a job... so why does this heavy thing take over my chest? stop it! honestly, i really need to be free from this.
ok God? please?
i really hate them. and i googled them, turns out they're related to spiders. satan spiders. that is what they are. ugh. found out spray paint doesnt kill them. just gives them a prettier outer shell that is harder to smash. so i retreated to the couch and watched doctor who, then discovered that bbc world news is pretty good stuph. then i fell asleep. there's still a pastel blue squished mess to clean up eventually though. it's a really good thing we never finished the floor in there. sigh.
well, i should be artsy today. get some of this pent-up energy out.
another strange thing. what's the deal w/ the anxiety hit when my parents talk about job stuph? yes, i want a job... so why does this heavy thing take over my chest? stop it! honestly, i really need to be free from this.
ok God? please?
5/11/13
hiding from you
there have been changes in me lately. i think i was even hiding parts of myself from me.
these last few years i've bowed to the practice of silence. i needed it. there was something in me that needed to be silenced, but in order to identify it i had to be able to hear it. so i shut down the noise.
i would listen to music in the car sometimes...but mainly i left it off. never been a fan of radio anyway (no one in the area plays what i like, i have to find it online). kinda the same idea as the redecorating that i wrote about earlier. it seems our issues always go farther than we think they do, yet not as far as we fear. what i mean is, we are facing one issue to find out it leads to something deeper - and that is the thing we fear will never be erased. but it will.
i discovered that i wasnt ok just being myself. now, i think i am. i'm just me. and it's good.
i havent been able to say that. feels so good.
there has been such a heaviness over my chest, in such a literal way... it would come and go, the presence of anxiety and sadness. i could not feel joy. ...like it was directly behind me, but even as i turned for it, it turned too, staying in place. i'd think about the psalm, 'why downcast, oh my soul? put your hope in God.' and time and time again God has been near, but not near enough, just close enough for me to hear Him speak truth, enough to have the strength to wait for Him. is my waiting over? is it really 'go time'?
made some note cards w/ scriptures on them the other day (per recommendation from the dear-to-my-heart beth moore), and i started going through psalms, over and over i noticed that they declare the reason for being able to sing praises to God, 57:7, 'my heart is confident in You...'
isnt that all i need? 13:3,5-6, 'turn and answer me, oh LORD my God! restore the light to my eyes, or i will die...but i trust in Your unfailing love. i will rejoice because You have rescued me. i will sing to the LORD because He has been so good to me.'
i could read these before, and long to mean it, to long to say them out loud...but i couldnt...not with all of myself. i've been following a woman of God's heart on fb, and she has let God use her as a conduit of earnest prayer and petitioning to God for His greatness. i've read the promises from God Himself in His word - ask, He says it so simply.
6:2-4,9, 'have compassion on me, LORD, for i am weak. heal me, LORD, for my body is in agony. i am sick at heart. how long, o LORD, until you restore me? return, o LORD, and rescue me. save me because of Your unfailing love...the LORD has heard my plea; the LORD will answer my prayer.'
'my heart is confident in You'
was it? doesnt much matter what it was i guess. it is now.
ah, before - my heart longed to cry in sorrow...now, i'm just happy. i am timothy, ya know. i havent felt this in a while. my heart is light. this battle may never stop, for i know who would rather i fall back into darkness... take this for confidence - john 16:11 Jesus lets us know the ruler of this world has already been judged. catch that? Jesus hasnt been crucified yet. already been judged. the cross has nothing to do with him, it is totally for us. baffling. but i'll take it.
i've reawakened my love of music. rediscovered christianrock.net (wherein you find several variations, i like to bounce between that and the hard rock section, till they play a scream-o song, as i call them, you know - roaw-raooor deep-voice guy killing his vocal chords, i go back to the norm when they play that). turning that on is what brought me to the place of saying, 'i like being me. i am ok just being me. i'm just me'. it became quite peaceful. i was letting that part of me sit on the side, letting that part of me pretend it wasnt there for other people.
'how will we open the eyes of the dead when we are hollow?' a line from a project 86 song.
well, i'm sick of being hollow. i'm sick of hiding from you. may God in His mercy continue to expose me.
these last few years i've bowed to the practice of silence. i needed it. there was something in me that needed to be silenced, but in order to identify it i had to be able to hear it. so i shut down the noise.
i would listen to music in the car sometimes...but mainly i left it off. never been a fan of radio anyway (no one in the area plays what i like, i have to find it online). kinda the same idea as the redecorating that i wrote about earlier. it seems our issues always go farther than we think they do, yet not as far as we fear. what i mean is, we are facing one issue to find out it leads to something deeper - and that is the thing we fear will never be erased. but it will.
i discovered that i wasnt ok just being myself. now, i think i am. i'm just me. and it's good.
i havent been able to say that. feels so good.
there has been such a heaviness over my chest, in such a literal way... it would come and go, the presence of anxiety and sadness. i could not feel joy. ...like it was directly behind me, but even as i turned for it, it turned too, staying in place. i'd think about the psalm, 'why downcast, oh my soul? put your hope in God.' and time and time again God has been near, but not near enough, just close enough for me to hear Him speak truth, enough to have the strength to wait for Him. is my waiting over? is it really 'go time'?
made some note cards w/ scriptures on them the other day (per recommendation from the dear-to-my-heart beth moore), and i started going through psalms, over and over i noticed that they declare the reason for being able to sing praises to God, 57:7, 'my heart is confident in You...'
isnt that all i need? 13:3,5-6, 'turn and answer me, oh LORD my God! restore the light to my eyes, or i will die...but i trust in Your unfailing love. i will rejoice because You have rescued me. i will sing to the LORD because He has been so good to me.'
i could read these before, and long to mean it, to long to say them out loud...but i couldnt...not with all of myself. i've been following a woman of God's heart on fb, and she has let God use her as a conduit of earnest prayer and petitioning to God for His greatness. i've read the promises from God Himself in His word - ask, He says it so simply.
6:2-4,9, 'have compassion on me, LORD, for i am weak. heal me, LORD, for my body is in agony. i am sick at heart. how long, o LORD, until you restore me? return, o LORD, and rescue me. save me because of Your unfailing love...the LORD has heard my plea; the LORD will answer my prayer.'
'my heart is confident in You'
was it? doesnt much matter what it was i guess. it is now.
ah, before - my heart longed to cry in sorrow...now, i'm just happy. i am timothy, ya know. i havent felt this in a while. my heart is light. this battle may never stop, for i know who would rather i fall back into darkness... take this for confidence - john 16:11 Jesus lets us know the ruler of this world has already been judged. catch that? Jesus hasnt been crucified yet. already been judged. the cross has nothing to do with him, it is totally for us. baffling. but i'll take it.
i've reawakened my love of music. rediscovered christianrock.net (wherein you find several variations, i like to bounce between that and the hard rock section, till they play a scream-o song, as i call them, you know - roaw-raooor deep-voice guy killing his vocal chords, i go back to the norm when they play that). turning that on is what brought me to the place of saying, 'i like being me. i am ok just being me. i'm just me'. it became quite peaceful. i was letting that part of me sit on the side, letting that part of me pretend it wasnt there for other people.
'how will we open the eyes of the dead when we are hollow?' a line from a project 86 song.
well, i'm sick of being hollow. i'm sick of hiding from you. may God in His mercy continue to expose me.
5/7/13
not really, but yeah, pretty much just like this...
i had a dream that i was walking along the beach w/ God.
i looked back and saw two sets of foot prints, but closest to us was a place with one set next to a messy trench of a path. so i asked God, "what happened?"
and He said, "that's where I drug you along beside me. like a five year old. because you didnt understand the grand adventure I wanted to set out on with you, but we had to get here somehow."
and i said, "oh. ok."
then He looked into my eyes and smiled, "so, would you like to get up now? I cant imagine how much sand is in your shoes by now. it is going to take forever for us to get it all out."
i looked back and saw two sets of foot prints, but closest to us was a place with one set next to a messy trench of a path. so i asked God, "what happened?"
and He said, "that's where I drug you along beside me. like a five year old. because you didnt understand the grand adventure I wanted to set out on with you, but we had to get here somehow."
and i said, "oh. ok."
then He looked into my eyes and smiled, "so, would you like to get up now? I cant imagine how much sand is in your shoes by now. it is going to take forever for us to get it all out."
5/3/13
it is for freedom He set me free...huh.
everywhere i turn i am facing 'you should desire advancement'. but i dont. i fight it. and i think it is ok. just read a book called 'embracing obscurity'...the author remains purposefully unknown. and for an author, that is quite the thing to do - they make money by people recognizing their name. an author wants their name to sell their books, for the loyal audience to anticipate their newest release and so on. but it is ok to release a book and not tell the world who did it. if i were in the music world, i always like to think i'd make all my songs public domain. but would i really?
i'm becoming more sure that i need to give my paintings away.
so, if you've ever eyed one, let me know and i will make sure you get to enjoy it.
yes. i feel really good about that.
i paint because it is inside me, and i do it hoping that it hits a note inside of you. and if it does - praise God. for those who i've already charged, i'm sorry. thanks for investing? sigh. life is crazy and my brain is properly upside down. ...it really bothers my dad. he wants me to be successful and safe, stable and secure. and he's my dad, he has every right to want that for me, he has the obligation to want that for me. i'm so blessed to have him and my mom.
the other day i felt this statement, "stop waiting for the worlds methods to line up, you weren't made for that"
ok then. i will live the way i was made. i do not live in this 'global economy' or local for that matter, there is a Father that owns it all anyway. and by golly i trust Him.
now, dont get me wrong. i'm not going to stop working or striving to do work and expect to be able to mooch off of the system or off of the church. paul made tents. but i'm not driven by money, and though i've become aware of my 'expensive tastes', i'm pretty sure i can figure out how to live on what i need.
and then i should give the rest away. what good will it do me if i dont?
my paintings, they sit in my house. sure mom rotates them on our walls... several are at the church. and if they keep letting me, more will end up there. but the last thing i want is a 'me' gallery there. oh dear no. may other people's work always out number mine!
i'm kinda excited about doing this.
before writing this, i read some emails and the links in them, and then i felt like i should write an entry. so i paused and asked, 'what about?' answer: 'Jesus'...
i flipped through my bible, but felt that wasnt what it meant.
so i just started typing, and now i realize that to live like Jesus and see how he sees, that's it. that's all it has ever been.
'why do you create this stress in your life?' ...well, because i'm supposed to do it that way.
'says who? not me, that's for sure. in fact, i've told you to stop it.' ...yes, i know.
'so we good then?' ...ha, yeah, Jesus, we're good.
i'm becoming more sure that i need to give my paintings away.
so, if you've ever eyed one, let me know and i will make sure you get to enjoy it.
yes. i feel really good about that.
i paint because it is inside me, and i do it hoping that it hits a note inside of you. and if it does - praise God. for those who i've already charged, i'm sorry. thanks for investing? sigh. life is crazy and my brain is properly upside down. ...it really bothers my dad. he wants me to be successful and safe, stable and secure. and he's my dad, he has every right to want that for me, he has the obligation to want that for me. i'm so blessed to have him and my mom.
the other day i felt this statement, "stop waiting for the worlds methods to line up, you weren't made for that"
ok then. i will live the way i was made. i do not live in this 'global economy' or local for that matter, there is a Father that owns it all anyway. and by golly i trust Him.
now, dont get me wrong. i'm not going to stop working or striving to do work and expect to be able to mooch off of the system or off of the church. paul made tents. but i'm not driven by money, and though i've become aware of my 'expensive tastes', i'm pretty sure i can figure out how to live on what i need.
and then i should give the rest away. what good will it do me if i dont?
my paintings, they sit in my house. sure mom rotates them on our walls... several are at the church. and if they keep letting me, more will end up there. but the last thing i want is a 'me' gallery there. oh dear no. may other people's work always out number mine!
i'm kinda excited about doing this.
before writing this, i read some emails and the links in them, and then i felt like i should write an entry. so i paused and asked, 'what about?' answer: 'Jesus'...
i flipped through my bible, but felt that wasnt what it meant.
so i just started typing, and now i realize that to live like Jesus and see how he sees, that's it. that's all it has ever been.
'why do you create this stress in your life?' ...well, because i'm supposed to do it that way.
'says who? not me, that's for sure. in fact, i've told you to stop it.' ...yes, i know.
'so we good then?' ...ha, yeah, Jesus, we're good.
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