hiding from you

there have been changes in me lately. i think i was even hiding parts of myself from me.
these last few years i've bowed to the practice of silence. i needed it. there was something in me that needed to be silenced, but in order to identify it i had to be able to hear it. so i shut down the noise.
i would listen to music in the car sometimes...but mainly i left it off. never been a fan of radio anyway (no one in the area plays what i like, i have to find it online). kinda the same idea as the redecorating that i wrote about earlier. it seems our issues always go farther than we think they do, yet not as far as we fear. what i mean is, we are facing one issue to find out it leads to something deeper - and that is the thing we fear will never be erased. but it will.
i discovered that i wasnt ok just being myself. now, i think i am. i'm just me. and it's good.
i havent been able to say that. feels so good.
there has been such a heaviness over my chest, in such a literal way... it would come and go, the presence of anxiety and sadness. i could not feel joy. ...like it was directly behind me, but even as i turned for it, it turned too, staying in place. i'd think about the psalm, 'why downcast, oh my soul? put your hope in God.' and time and time again God has been near, but not near enough, just close enough for me to hear Him speak truth, enough to have the strength to wait for Him. is my waiting over? is it really 'go time'?
made some note cards w/ scriptures on them the other day (per recommendation from the dear-to-my-heart beth moore), and i started going through psalms, over and over i noticed that they declare the reason for being able to sing praises to God, 57:7, 'my heart is confident in You...'
isnt that all i need? 13:3,5-6, 'turn and answer me, oh LORD my God! restore the light to my eyes, or i will die...but i trust in Your unfailing love. i will rejoice because You have rescued me. i will sing to the LORD because He has been so good to me.'
i could read these before, and long to mean it, to long to say them out loud...but i couldnt...not with all of myself. i've been following a woman of God's heart on fb, and she has let God use her as a conduit of earnest prayer and petitioning to God for His greatness. i've read the promises from God Himself in His word - ask, He says it so simply.
6:2-4,9, 'have compassion on me, LORD, for i am weak. heal me, LORD, for my body is in agony. i am sick at heart. how long, o LORD, until you restore me? return, o LORD, and rescue me. save me because of Your unfailing love...the LORD has heard my plea; the LORD will answer my prayer.'

'my heart is confident in You'
was it? doesnt much matter what it was i guess. it is now.
ah, before - my heart longed to cry in sorrow...now, i'm just happy. i am timothy, ya know. i havent felt this in a while. my heart is light. this battle may never stop, for i know who would rather i fall back into darkness... take this for confidence - john 16:11 Jesus lets us know the ruler of this world has already been judged. catch that? Jesus hasnt been crucified yet. already been judged. the cross has nothing to do with him, it is totally for us. baffling. but i'll take it.

i've reawakened my love of music. rediscovered christianrock.net (wherein you find several variations, i like to bounce between that and the hard rock section, till they play a scream-o song, as i call them, you know - roaw-raooor deep-voice guy killing his vocal chords, i go back to the norm when they play that). turning that on is what brought me to the place of saying, 'i like being me. i am ok just being me. i'm just me'. it became quite peaceful. i was letting that part of me sit on the side, letting that part of me pretend it wasnt there for other people.
'how will we open the eyes of the dead when we are hollow?' a line from a project 86 song.
well, i'm sick of being hollow. i'm sick of hiding from you. may God in His mercy continue to expose me.