breakfast, first lunch, second lunch, snack, dinner...
kinda like a hobbit, just blurring the lines a bit.
that's my goal. i actually have the first part down (up to second lunch, the rest is still in the air - but i'm hopin' for the best)
ADOS moment - it's raining! (attention deficit oh shiny! don't remember who i first heard that from, but i love it along w/ CDO, like OCD but in the right order as it should be). rain is a big deal here.
ok, back to food. which is also a big deal.
a big stupid annoying deal. one that i find myself in need of analyzing pretty often. so here i am again - recognizing that i have to fit one more meal into the day, or else.
or else i will be lacking in adequate energy for my body and mental functions, or else i will be scrawny forever... i mean, who looks at themselves in the mirror and has "skinny days" that make you feel sickly instead of stellar? this girl. so clearly i'm not anorexic. but i still have to figure out why i dont do anything about it. i need to figure out why i feel resistance to the necessary changes.
i have some thoughts, always do... i'm an adult - but i look like a kid. half of my life has been after the time most girls gain weight and begin their adaptation into ...uhm, womanliness? sure. yeah. well, i never did. so now here i am, under weight and used to my current body image. awkward-stages are for 10-14 year olds, not those of us sitting a few years from our 30's. so i have something i need to say:
i am ok w/ the awkward transition to my full life of energy and sanity. i am ready to be who i am supposed to be - mind and body.
uhm, can i talk to the ladies for a moment? guys can just skip to the next paragraph! thanks. honestly i dont think i should even write this, but it is one of my hurdles and i need to get over it. the idea and experience of shopping for bras is pretty much the equivalent of sending a guy to go in for feminine items. i just dont feel like i belong in that section of the store. like i'm some kind of imposter.
i'm kind of afraid to be seen. john eldridge, an awesome writer, describes an idea of making agreements w/ satan about lies in our hearts. one of mine is "i like being invisible, i want to be invisible, i'm good at being invisible, i should strive to be invisible in many aspects of my life..." you get the idea. hiding behind this computer screen is great. not having to actually say any of this to a real person is awesome - but even playing with the idea that i might actually push the "publish" button is freaking my little agreement right out of its little mind. and it helps a lot that i'm an introvert. i can pin so much of my invisibility-cloak mannerisms to my strong introversion. but this exceeds the definition, it doesnt fit that bill. that dog don't hunt, the bucket holds no water. being invisible is an agreement that imprisons me in a place of darkness - it shackles my communal soul.
i've been awe-stricken by the sky these last few months. God paints the sky for me. it's amazing. every single day, the ridiculous detail and nuance in the clouds and the sun - all timed w/ my coming and going. sometimes i go out when i'd really rather not - and that's when He has made the most spectacular sculptures and paintings up in the sky. i've got this little melody i sing to Him when i'm paying attention, just simply the line "You paint the sky for me." and i had a thought the other day - the sky is invisible in a way. we're going through life so fast that hardly anyone even sees the sky. it is only seen by those who take the time to look. and even then, how many of those see it for all its grandeur? "the sun is too hot" "the cloudy day is too grey" "will those clouds bring rain?" all so functional! well, i want God to paint me like the sky. seen by those who take the time. those who are too busy, well i was not made for them.
if i'm painted like the sky, i have permission to be a little more like God, and a little less like a crazy person - take note of how fine that line is: the sky is vast and ever changing, subtle or vibrant, beautiful always, full of both furry and comfort.
yeah. and if i'm like the sky, then i should go eat my snack.
9/17/13
5/24/13
the things that catch us often never let go
i'm already an emotional nomad, why not be a physical one? ...only half kidding... about both... sorta. i'm reading a book called "the man who quit money" by mark sundeen, and it is fascinating. perhaps dangerously so. i still have to check out his (daniel suelo, who it's about) blog, but i will eventually. these are my favorite quotes from the book, as i've been reading it... oh, be warned, it's more religious than christian, though there is no doubt Jesus is a force w/in it. there's no way the christian book store would sell it (for reasons i dont disclose). oh, and you'll find a smattering of my thoughts along the way too (of course)
"...[those] who were looking for a more intense connection to the sacred than their churches could offer."
tragic reality. longing to change that in my own environment...
"if we're following our path, then worrying about what could or should happen is a worse illness than what could or should happen"
"it was refreshing at the time to know such a person after i had struggled with...situations where people were more concerned about making me who i wasnt rather than letting their own selves be known."
ouch, right?
and this, a description of suelo, "you were able to point out beautiful things even in the midst of your own despair."
and my current personal struggle! "if i can overcome what people think about me, i can overcome anything."
while it has been raining this whole afternoon, i had some thoughts lead by the mood of this book...
i want to be like the rain. it comes when You call it, it gives its all till it is gone and yet You can call it to come over and over. at the same time, it has no complaint if it isnt called...i suppose it is always called somewhere, i just dont always see it where i am. were i the center of anything, much less the falling rain.
after going into all the things i love about our current financial system (nothing), and the firm conclusion suelo comes to about it being illusory and even more so a symptom revealing "human inclination toward credit and debt" this is a passage we must come across soberly:
"poverty was once considered a christian virtue for it was meant to indicate a lack of concern for the values of this world and a concentration on the life to come,' writes vine deloria in God is Red. 'in the centuries after the protestant reformation, poverty was considered indicative of sloth and other sins, and it was seen as proof of the individual's degeneracy... as the white populace of christian america has become more affluent, the concept of stewardship has been developed to explain the embarrassingly rapid growth of wealth of a substantial number of peoples. the theory goes that we are not really greedy, God has simply blessed us by giving us wealth over which we are to exercise good stewardship."
he goes into what he really sees behind credit/debt: "our reliance on money is akin to original sin...'notice how predators and prey have no sense of vengeance, no pay back...(vengeance is mine, says the Lord). yet we humans have stolen payment and debt from the gods. we cannot freely give or freely recveive anything. we live under constant obligation."
fascinating.
"money perpetuated the fantasy of immortal earthly life, the illusion that we could determine the future."
huh. have we ever paused to consider the fact that we have a clothing store called banana republic? ever stop to think about what that means? it is pretty sickening. we glorify the idea of single-use functionality. be it only having one purpose or only having the ability to be used once.
we do this w/ our minds and our bodies. we have taken the glorious fractal of the created order - of the cosmos, of the earth, the body, even God - and reduced it to singularity. no wonder we have no joy, we're so easily embittered against everything and everyone and become ourselves believers of our own singular use.
i cant live that way. the soul is diverse....
this is a fun phrase, "prius-driving cousin of freeganism" haha, nice way to sum up the careful-culture we idealize in our suburban world.
i find this mentality so close to my own, "...my hardships were long-term, complex anxieties. what am i going to do with my life, how am i going to pay rent or pay insurance, what's retirement going to be like, what am i going to do for a career, what are people going to think if i do this or that? to me that stuff is actually unbearable. and i think most people are dealing with it."
ok, here's another painful swallow:
"wasnt that what Jesus said? do what I do? He was here as an example for us to follow. same with all the prophets. didnt the prophets tell us to be like them? that's what's wrong w/ christianity. they make Jesus and the prophets into icons, take them off of earth, and put them in heaven to worship them, so they're no longer accessible. you've taken a reality and made it into a worthless idol. christians talk about the idolatry of other religions, but when they no longer live principles and just worship the people who taught them, that's exactly what they're doing."
ah, at the end of the acknowledgments we find out that a woman dear to his heart agreed to marry him, and his last words to end it all (to her i presume): "love love love."
"...[those] who were looking for a more intense connection to the sacred than their churches could offer."
tragic reality. longing to change that in my own environment...
"if we're following our path, then worrying about what could or should happen is a worse illness than what could or should happen"
"it was refreshing at the time to know such a person after i had struggled with...situations where people were more concerned about making me who i wasnt rather than letting their own selves be known."
ouch, right?
and this, a description of suelo, "you were able to point out beautiful things even in the midst of your own despair."
and my current personal struggle! "if i can overcome what people think about me, i can overcome anything."
while it has been raining this whole afternoon, i had some thoughts lead by the mood of this book...
i want to be like the rain. it comes when You call it, it gives its all till it is gone and yet You can call it to come over and over. at the same time, it has no complaint if it isnt called...i suppose it is always called somewhere, i just dont always see it where i am. were i the center of anything, much less the falling rain.
after going into all the things i love about our current financial system (nothing), and the firm conclusion suelo comes to about it being illusory and even more so a symptom revealing "human inclination toward credit and debt" this is a passage we must come across soberly:
"poverty was once considered a christian virtue for it was meant to indicate a lack of concern for the values of this world and a concentration on the life to come,' writes vine deloria in God is Red. 'in the centuries after the protestant reformation, poverty was considered indicative of sloth and other sins, and it was seen as proof of the individual's degeneracy... as the white populace of christian america has become more affluent, the concept of stewardship has been developed to explain the embarrassingly rapid growth of wealth of a substantial number of peoples. the theory goes that we are not really greedy, God has simply blessed us by giving us wealth over which we are to exercise good stewardship."
he goes into what he really sees behind credit/debt: "our reliance on money is akin to original sin...'notice how predators and prey have no sense of vengeance, no pay back...(vengeance is mine, says the Lord). yet we humans have stolen payment and debt from the gods. we cannot freely give or freely recveive anything. we live under constant obligation."
fascinating.
"money perpetuated the fantasy of immortal earthly life, the illusion that we could determine the future."
huh. have we ever paused to consider the fact that we have a clothing store called banana republic? ever stop to think about what that means? it is pretty sickening. we glorify the idea of single-use functionality. be it only having one purpose or only having the ability to be used once.
we do this w/ our minds and our bodies. we have taken the glorious fractal of the created order - of the cosmos, of the earth, the body, even God - and reduced it to singularity. no wonder we have no joy, we're so easily embittered against everything and everyone and become ourselves believers of our own singular use.
i cant live that way. the soul is diverse....
this is a fun phrase, "prius-driving cousin of freeganism" haha, nice way to sum up the careful-culture we idealize in our suburban world.
i find this mentality so close to my own, "...my hardships were long-term, complex anxieties. what am i going to do with my life, how am i going to pay rent or pay insurance, what's retirement going to be like, what am i going to do for a career, what are people going to think if i do this or that? to me that stuff is actually unbearable. and i think most people are dealing with it."
ok, here's another painful swallow:
"wasnt that what Jesus said? do what I do? He was here as an example for us to follow. same with all the prophets. didnt the prophets tell us to be like them? that's what's wrong w/ christianity. they make Jesus and the prophets into icons, take them off of earth, and put them in heaven to worship them, so they're no longer accessible. you've taken a reality and made it into a worthless idol. christians talk about the idolatry of other religions, but when they no longer live principles and just worship the people who taught them, that's exactly what they're doing."
ah, at the end of the acknowledgments we find out that a woman dear to his heart agreed to marry him, and his last words to end it all (to her i presume): "love love love."
5/22/13
brace yourself.
hi my name is kara, i live in my parent's house. you could say i'm one part slacker, one part idealist, one part realist.
hold on, let me clear my throat...and start over...
hi my name is kara, and i'm writing these last words on the last scrap of square paper. looking back i realize that it was a bit posh to pack on such a rugged adventure. especially now that it will no longer be necessary. it's a funny story, really. well, no it isn't. but it usually lightens things up to say so. i'm currently alone in a pocket of air under an avalanche, my last bit of light is dying out so i must hurry. so far i'm amazed at how much is actually fitting on this frozen tissue. this was supposed to be a simple three day summit excursion. well, if i knew how long i've been here now, i could tell you how much longer than six days it has been.
why am i writing this strange story? i have no idea. it came to me while driving this afternoon, so i figured i'd write it down. and now it has become kind of annoying.
i think i need an adventure. but... preferably where the chances of writing my last will on tp is close enough to zero that it is zero. i dont want a pretend adventure either. i'm thinking about calling a friend who lives out of town on a ranch, see if i can spend a few days out there....but then what? i want to live for something.
that was another thought this afternoon. i want to work for something. now, most people if they're honest will own up to working for money. in our culture that's the standard trade. and if i get a job that gives me money for my work, that's great, but i dont want to be working for money. i want to work for something else. i think it's paul that says work as if working for the Lord, well, i want to do that... but there arent many ways to do that without pressing into our american way of more more more more more more more moremoremore...and more what? ...money. well boo. it's not like what money gets us is all that great. everything that isnt eternal one day will burn. so... give me simple, but give me depth. that sounds like that famous, "give me liberty or give me death"...but not exactly...unless liberty isnt what we think it is these days. hm, what is liberty? "The state of being free within society from oppressive restrictions imposed by authority on one's way of life." thanks google! liberty sounds dangerous.
doesnt it?
commence rabbit trail: ok, when does a restriction become oppressive? "Prolonged cruel or unjust treatment or control"
uh, unjust? "Not based on or behaving according to what is morally right and fair."
huh... so...moral "Concerned with the principles of right and wrong behavior and the goodness or badness of human character" uh oh, right and wrong is dangerous territory... and fair? "In accordance with the rules or standards; legitimate" ...rules, what about those? "explicit or understood regulations or principles governing conduct within a particular activity or sphere"
ok, ok. so what i'm getting out of this is that someone somewhere has to decide/make the rules in order for this to work, and we'd all agree that a government left to its own to decide is bad, and that the people left to their own is also bad.....take out absolutes completely... no wonder we're collapsing. there is no way to define liberty w/out absolutes.
good thing i'm foremost a citizen of heaven, they have absolutes there. and if i'm playing for keeps, then i really need to pay attention to the rule maker. and i think a rule might be, where there is discontentment there should be investigation. i dont know if i should just deal w/ my current situation, or act crazy and do something ridiculous. i favor the latter. you're probably not terribly surprised.
who wants to go on an adventure?
hold on, let me clear my throat...and start over...
hi my name is kara, and i'm writing these last words on the last scrap of square paper. looking back i realize that it was a bit posh to pack on such a rugged adventure. especially now that it will no longer be necessary. it's a funny story, really. well, no it isn't. but it usually lightens things up to say so. i'm currently alone in a pocket of air under an avalanche, my last bit of light is dying out so i must hurry. so far i'm amazed at how much is actually fitting on this frozen tissue. this was supposed to be a simple three day summit excursion. well, if i knew how long i've been here now, i could tell you how much longer than six days it has been.
why am i writing this strange story? i have no idea. it came to me while driving this afternoon, so i figured i'd write it down. and now it has become kind of annoying.
i think i need an adventure. but... preferably where the chances of writing my last will on tp is close enough to zero that it is zero. i dont want a pretend adventure either. i'm thinking about calling a friend who lives out of town on a ranch, see if i can spend a few days out there....but then what? i want to live for something.
that was another thought this afternoon. i want to work for something. now, most people if they're honest will own up to working for money. in our culture that's the standard trade. and if i get a job that gives me money for my work, that's great, but i dont want to be working for money. i want to work for something else. i think it's paul that says work as if working for the Lord, well, i want to do that... but there arent many ways to do that without pressing into our american way of more more more more more more more moremoremore...and more what? ...money. well boo. it's not like what money gets us is all that great. everything that isnt eternal one day will burn. so... give me simple, but give me depth. that sounds like that famous, "give me liberty or give me death"...but not exactly...unless liberty isnt what we think it is these days. hm, what is liberty? "The state of being free within society from oppressive restrictions imposed by authority on one's way of life." thanks google! liberty sounds dangerous.
doesnt it?
commence rabbit trail: ok, when does a restriction become oppressive? "Prolonged cruel or unjust treatment or control"
uh, unjust? "Not based on or behaving according to what is morally right and fair."
huh... so...moral "Concerned with the principles of right and wrong behavior and the goodness or badness of human character" uh oh, right and wrong is dangerous territory... and fair? "In accordance with the rules or standards; legitimate" ...rules, what about those? "explicit or understood regulations or principles governing conduct within a particular activity or sphere"
ok, ok. so what i'm getting out of this is that someone somewhere has to decide/make the rules in order for this to work, and we'd all agree that a government left to its own to decide is bad, and that the people left to their own is also bad.....take out absolutes completely... no wonder we're collapsing. there is no way to define liberty w/out absolutes.
good thing i'm foremost a citizen of heaven, they have absolutes there. and if i'm playing for keeps, then i really need to pay attention to the rule maker. and i think a rule might be, where there is discontentment there should be investigation. i dont know if i should just deal w/ my current situation, or act crazy and do something ridiculous. i favor the latter. you're probably not terribly surprised.
who wants to go on an adventure?
5/20/13
how i wish i could see it
i love seeing what ties mythology to biblical narrative. but one that is just now being made evident to me is that of the phoenix and the seraphim. not that it isnt new to other people, as a google search will tell you.
but i'd bet we're likely more familiar w/ the firebird that raises from its own ashes than we are with the strange angelic creatures in the bible. so:
ever heard of the cherubim and seraphim? maybe? well, that's the seraphim i'm talking about. what are they? they are mentioned in numbers, deuteronomy, and isaiah. the first place we are introduced to them is in numbers - the israelites have turned away from God and are being stupid and stubborn and have no faith or trust in Him, so God sends seraphs to start killing them. moses is commanded to make a staff w/ a bronze seraph on it, and those that look at it will be saved. now if you're like me you're saying, "wait - i thought it was snakes biting the people, what's this about it being a seraph? i thought those were angels. was it not snakes?"
well, no idea. in the definitions they say it can be a poisonous snake*
another thing you're thinking - why would that have any parallel to the phoenix? snake = bird that sets itself on fire? ok, so let me give you the translation/description of what a seraph is:
a fiery serpent. not just a snake, but a snake on fire. the root word it comes from means: to burn.
* they say it can be a poisonous snake by contributing the poison as the fire factor. hm, sure.
so then you go to isaiah, where it gives a visual description of one of these things. in this case a seraph has 6 wings, and is found above the throne of God.
when the phoenix is preparing to die, it gathers cinnamon, and spikenard, and myrrh - incense. it burns incense. biblically this is used in acts of worship. in isaiah 6, where we get the description of seraphim, in verse 4 it says the whole temple is filled with smoke. trust me, he isnt saying it's on fire - there is so much incense burning in their worship, it fills the temple.
now, if seraphs are burning ones, then what is a better word for snake? satan* is called a snake in the garden of eden, genesis 3:1 - that word is different, nachash. its root means 'to practice divination, divine, observe signs, learn by experience, diligently observe, practice fortunetelling, take as an omen'
this word for snake is used when moses throws his staff to the ground and it becomes a snake.
this isnt the word used in the other story, this isnt the kind of snake moses later makes out of bronze....however it is used to reference it in 2 kings.
my brain is whirling right now. fiery snakes that may or may not have wings. well, isaiah 30:6 talks about a flying serpent.
*with the various descriptions of satan, i cant help but wonder how he plays into this...was once a cherub - a guardian. in ezekiel, it talks about the king of tyre, and many people see it as prophetic/descriptive of the serpent in eden - it describes him as having walked on the mountain of God among the stones of fire. stones of fire? consider it this way: alter stones (consider again the isaiah 6 passage). his fate is being consumed by fire that comes from w/in himself. interesting. banned from his place at the alter, he becomes the phoenix? or at least wants to perhaps... interesting.
back to the parallel...
firebird w/ a tail of gold and scarlet, purple and blue - lavish and vibrant color and value. when it dies, it bursts into flame.
king of tyre whose clothing was adorned with every precious stone, a mighty guardian on the mountain of God. destroyed by fire from within.
so what about the rebirth?
well, the phoenix -
in egypt, the bennu created itself from a fire that was burned on a holy tree... called “He Who Came Into Being by Himself,” “Ascending One"...
other cultures seem to agree that it is a good creature that will bring blessing.
in china, it reigns over all the other birds...
oh, check this and tell me if it rings a bell:
During the Han Dynasty (2,200 years ago) two phoenixes, one a male (feng, 鳳) and the other a female (huang, 凰) were often shown together facing one other...
do you see it? in the most holy place in the temple are two cherubim facing each other over lain in gold. yes, i know - not seraphim, but still!
oh- epiphany after epiphany! ok, several traditions hold that if this bird lands on your head - you'll be a king.
something like a dove landed on Jesus after his baptism. fascinating.
ok, another fun parallel for another day, the griffin and the cherub.
another thing i wouldnt mind being able to do is read the books of enoch from the apocrypha, he talks about seraphim and other things, i wouldnt mind finding out what he has to day about it.
well, i'm worn out now. hope you had fun following my madness!
but i'd bet we're likely more familiar w/ the firebird that raises from its own ashes than we are with the strange angelic creatures in the bible. so:
ever heard of the cherubim and seraphim? maybe? well, that's the seraphim i'm talking about. what are they? they are mentioned in numbers, deuteronomy, and isaiah. the first place we are introduced to them is in numbers - the israelites have turned away from God and are being stupid and stubborn and have no faith or trust in Him, so God sends seraphs to start killing them. moses is commanded to make a staff w/ a bronze seraph on it, and those that look at it will be saved. now if you're like me you're saying, "wait - i thought it was snakes biting the people, what's this about it being a seraph? i thought those were angels. was it not snakes?"
well, no idea. in the definitions they say it can be a poisonous snake*
another thing you're thinking - why would that have any parallel to the phoenix? snake = bird that sets itself on fire? ok, so let me give you the translation/description of what a seraph is:
a fiery serpent. not just a snake, but a snake on fire. the root word it comes from means: to burn.
* they say it can be a poisonous snake by contributing the poison as the fire factor. hm, sure.
so then you go to isaiah, where it gives a visual description of one of these things. in this case a seraph has 6 wings, and is found above the throne of God.
when the phoenix is preparing to die, it gathers cinnamon, and spikenard, and myrrh - incense. it burns incense. biblically this is used in acts of worship. in isaiah 6, where we get the description of seraphim, in verse 4 it says the whole temple is filled with smoke. trust me, he isnt saying it's on fire - there is so much incense burning in their worship, it fills the temple.
now, if seraphs are burning ones, then what is a better word for snake? satan* is called a snake in the garden of eden, genesis 3:1 - that word is different, nachash. its root means 'to practice divination, divine, observe signs, learn by experience, diligently observe, practice fortunetelling, take as an omen'
this word for snake is used when moses throws his staff to the ground and it becomes a snake.
this isnt the word used in the other story, this isnt the kind of snake moses later makes out of bronze....however it is used to reference it in 2 kings.
my brain is whirling right now. fiery snakes that may or may not have wings. well, isaiah 30:6 talks about a flying serpent.
*with the various descriptions of satan, i cant help but wonder how he plays into this...was once a cherub - a guardian. in ezekiel, it talks about the king of tyre, and many people see it as prophetic/descriptive of the serpent in eden - it describes him as having walked on the mountain of God among the stones of fire. stones of fire? consider it this way: alter stones (consider again the isaiah 6 passage). his fate is being consumed by fire that comes from w/in himself. interesting. banned from his place at the alter, he becomes the phoenix? or at least wants to perhaps... interesting.
back to the parallel...
firebird w/ a tail of gold and scarlet, purple and blue - lavish and vibrant color and value. when it dies, it bursts into flame.
king of tyre whose clothing was adorned with every precious stone, a mighty guardian on the mountain of God. destroyed by fire from within.
so what about the rebirth?
well, the phoenix -
in egypt, the bennu created itself from a fire that was burned on a holy tree... called “He Who Came Into Being by Himself,” “Ascending One"...
other cultures seem to agree that it is a good creature that will bring blessing.
in china, it reigns over all the other birds...
oh, check this and tell me if it rings a bell:
During the Han Dynasty (2,200 years ago) two phoenixes, one a male (feng, 鳳) and the other a female (huang, 凰) were often shown together facing one other...
do you see it? in the most holy place in the temple are two cherubim facing each other over lain in gold. yes, i know - not seraphim, but still!
oh- epiphany after epiphany! ok, several traditions hold that if this bird lands on your head - you'll be a king.
something like a dove landed on Jesus after his baptism. fascinating.
ok, another fun parallel for another day, the griffin and the cherub.
another thing i wouldnt mind being able to do is read the books of enoch from the apocrypha, he talks about seraphim and other things, i wouldnt mind finding out what he has to day about it.
well, i'm worn out now. hope you had fun following my madness!
5/17/13
i'm a mess, and so is that night intruder.
so here's another perspective on the attack of the scorpions... God is pushing me to move away! i only partially joke. but tell ya what, if i was starting to get cozy these last few weeks that was a quick way to throw me off. couldnt You have just revealed a job or some insight instead? seriously, these things give me the heebeist geebies. i'm gunna need more than paranoid fear to get out though.
i really hate them. and i googled them, turns out they're related to spiders. satan spiders. that is what they are. ugh. found out spray paint doesnt kill them. just gives them a prettier outer shell that is harder to smash. so i retreated to the couch and watched doctor who, then discovered that bbc world news is pretty good stuph. then i fell asleep. there's still a pastel blue squished mess to clean up eventually though. it's a really good thing we never finished the floor in there. sigh.
well, i should be artsy today. get some of this pent-up energy out.
another strange thing. what's the deal w/ the anxiety hit when my parents talk about job stuph? yes, i want a job... so why does this heavy thing take over my chest? stop it! honestly, i really need to be free from this.
ok God? please?
i really hate them. and i googled them, turns out they're related to spiders. satan spiders. that is what they are. ugh. found out spray paint doesnt kill them. just gives them a prettier outer shell that is harder to smash. so i retreated to the couch and watched doctor who, then discovered that bbc world news is pretty good stuph. then i fell asleep. there's still a pastel blue squished mess to clean up eventually though. it's a really good thing we never finished the floor in there. sigh.
well, i should be artsy today. get some of this pent-up energy out.
another strange thing. what's the deal w/ the anxiety hit when my parents talk about job stuph? yes, i want a job... so why does this heavy thing take over my chest? stop it! honestly, i really need to be free from this.
ok God? please?
5/11/13
hiding from you
there have been changes in me lately. i think i was even hiding parts of myself from me.
these last few years i've bowed to the practice of silence. i needed it. there was something in me that needed to be silenced, but in order to identify it i had to be able to hear it. so i shut down the noise.
i would listen to music in the car sometimes...but mainly i left it off. never been a fan of radio anyway (no one in the area plays what i like, i have to find it online). kinda the same idea as the redecorating that i wrote about earlier. it seems our issues always go farther than we think they do, yet not as far as we fear. what i mean is, we are facing one issue to find out it leads to something deeper - and that is the thing we fear will never be erased. but it will.
i discovered that i wasnt ok just being myself. now, i think i am. i'm just me. and it's good.
i havent been able to say that. feels so good.
there has been such a heaviness over my chest, in such a literal way... it would come and go, the presence of anxiety and sadness. i could not feel joy. ...like it was directly behind me, but even as i turned for it, it turned too, staying in place. i'd think about the psalm, 'why downcast, oh my soul? put your hope in God.' and time and time again God has been near, but not near enough, just close enough for me to hear Him speak truth, enough to have the strength to wait for Him. is my waiting over? is it really 'go time'?
made some note cards w/ scriptures on them the other day (per recommendation from the dear-to-my-heart beth moore), and i started going through psalms, over and over i noticed that they declare the reason for being able to sing praises to God, 57:7, 'my heart is confident in You...'
isnt that all i need? 13:3,5-6, 'turn and answer me, oh LORD my God! restore the light to my eyes, or i will die...but i trust in Your unfailing love. i will rejoice because You have rescued me. i will sing to the LORD because He has been so good to me.'
i could read these before, and long to mean it, to long to say them out loud...but i couldnt...not with all of myself. i've been following a woman of God's heart on fb, and she has let God use her as a conduit of earnest prayer and petitioning to God for His greatness. i've read the promises from God Himself in His word - ask, He says it so simply.
6:2-4,9, 'have compassion on me, LORD, for i am weak. heal me, LORD, for my body is in agony. i am sick at heart. how long, o LORD, until you restore me? return, o LORD, and rescue me. save me because of Your unfailing love...the LORD has heard my plea; the LORD will answer my prayer.'
'my heart is confident in You'
was it? doesnt much matter what it was i guess. it is now.
ah, before - my heart longed to cry in sorrow...now, i'm just happy. i am timothy, ya know. i havent felt this in a while. my heart is light. this battle may never stop, for i know who would rather i fall back into darkness... take this for confidence - john 16:11 Jesus lets us know the ruler of this world has already been judged. catch that? Jesus hasnt been crucified yet. already been judged. the cross has nothing to do with him, it is totally for us. baffling. but i'll take it.
i've reawakened my love of music. rediscovered christianrock.net (wherein you find several variations, i like to bounce between that and the hard rock section, till they play a scream-o song, as i call them, you know - roaw-raooor deep-voice guy killing his vocal chords, i go back to the norm when they play that). turning that on is what brought me to the place of saying, 'i like being me. i am ok just being me. i'm just me'. it became quite peaceful. i was letting that part of me sit on the side, letting that part of me pretend it wasnt there for other people.
'how will we open the eyes of the dead when we are hollow?' a line from a project 86 song.
well, i'm sick of being hollow. i'm sick of hiding from you. may God in His mercy continue to expose me.
these last few years i've bowed to the practice of silence. i needed it. there was something in me that needed to be silenced, but in order to identify it i had to be able to hear it. so i shut down the noise.
i would listen to music in the car sometimes...but mainly i left it off. never been a fan of radio anyway (no one in the area plays what i like, i have to find it online). kinda the same idea as the redecorating that i wrote about earlier. it seems our issues always go farther than we think they do, yet not as far as we fear. what i mean is, we are facing one issue to find out it leads to something deeper - and that is the thing we fear will never be erased. but it will.
i discovered that i wasnt ok just being myself. now, i think i am. i'm just me. and it's good.
i havent been able to say that. feels so good.
there has been such a heaviness over my chest, in such a literal way... it would come and go, the presence of anxiety and sadness. i could not feel joy. ...like it was directly behind me, but even as i turned for it, it turned too, staying in place. i'd think about the psalm, 'why downcast, oh my soul? put your hope in God.' and time and time again God has been near, but not near enough, just close enough for me to hear Him speak truth, enough to have the strength to wait for Him. is my waiting over? is it really 'go time'?
made some note cards w/ scriptures on them the other day (per recommendation from the dear-to-my-heart beth moore), and i started going through psalms, over and over i noticed that they declare the reason for being able to sing praises to God, 57:7, 'my heart is confident in You...'
isnt that all i need? 13:3,5-6, 'turn and answer me, oh LORD my God! restore the light to my eyes, or i will die...but i trust in Your unfailing love. i will rejoice because You have rescued me. i will sing to the LORD because He has been so good to me.'
i could read these before, and long to mean it, to long to say them out loud...but i couldnt...not with all of myself. i've been following a woman of God's heart on fb, and she has let God use her as a conduit of earnest prayer and petitioning to God for His greatness. i've read the promises from God Himself in His word - ask, He says it so simply.
6:2-4,9, 'have compassion on me, LORD, for i am weak. heal me, LORD, for my body is in agony. i am sick at heart. how long, o LORD, until you restore me? return, o LORD, and rescue me. save me because of Your unfailing love...the LORD has heard my plea; the LORD will answer my prayer.'
'my heart is confident in You'
was it? doesnt much matter what it was i guess. it is now.
ah, before - my heart longed to cry in sorrow...now, i'm just happy. i am timothy, ya know. i havent felt this in a while. my heart is light. this battle may never stop, for i know who would rather i fall back into darkness... take this for confidence - john 16:11 Jesus lets us know the ruler of this world has already been judged. catch that? Jesus hasnt been crucified yet. already been judged. the cross has nothing to do with him, it is totally for us. baffling. but i'll take it.
i've reawakened my love of music. rediscovered christianrock.net (wherein you find several variations, i like to bounce between that and the hard rock section, till they play a scream-o song, as i call them, you know - roaw-raooor deep-voice guy killing his vocal chords, i go back to the norm when they play that). turning that on is what brought me to the place of saying, 'i like being me. i am ok just being me. i'm just me'. it became quite peaceful. i was letting that part of me sit on the side, letting that part of me pretend it wasnt there for other people.
'how will we open the eyes of the dead when we are hollow?' a line from a project 86 song.
well, i'm sick of being hollow. i'm sick of hiding from you. may God in His mercy continue to expose me.
5/7/13
not really, but yeah, pretty much just like this...
i had a dream that i was walking along the beach w/ God.
i looked back and saw two sets of foot prints, but closest to us was a place with one set next to a messy trench of a path. so i asked God, "what happened?"
and He said, "that's where I drug you along beside me. like a five year old. because you didnt understand the grand adventure I wanted to set out on with you, but we had to get here somehow."
and i said, "oh. ok."
then He looked into my eyes and smiled, "so, would you like to get up now? I cant imagine how much sand is in your shoes by now. it is going to take forever for us to get it all out."
i looked back and saw two sets of foot prints, but closest to us was a place with one set next to a messy trench of a path. so i asked God, "what happened?"
and He said, "that's where I drug you along beside me. like a five year old. because you didnt understand the grand adventure I wanted to set out on with you, but we had to get here somehow."
and i said, "oh. ok."
then He looked into my eyes and smiled, "so, would you like to get up now? I cant imagine how much sand is in your shoes by now. it is going to take forever for us to get it all out."
5/3/13
it is for freedom He set me free...huh.
everywhere i turn i am facing 'you should desire advancement'. but i dont. i fight it. and i think it is ok. just read a book called 'embracing obscurity'...the author remains purposefully unknown. and for an author, that is quite the thing to do - they make money by people recognizing their name. an author wants their name to sell their books, for the loyal audience to anticipate their newest release and so on. but it is ok to release a book and not tell the world who did it. if i were in the music world, i always like to think i'd make all my songs public domain. but would i really?
i'm becoming more sure that i need to give my paintings away.
so, if you've ever eyed one, let me know and i will make sure you get to enjoy it.
yes. i feel really good about that.
i paint because it is inside me, and i do it hoping that it hits a note inside of you. and if it does - praise God. for those who i've already charged, i'm sorry. thanks for investing? sigh. life is crazy and my brain is properly upside down. ...it really bothers my dad. he wants me to be successful and safe, stable and secure. and he's my dad, he has every right to want that for me, he has the obligation to want that for me. i'm so blessed to have him and my mom.
the other day i felt this statement, "stop waiting for the worlds methods to line up, you weren't made for that"
ok then. i will live the way i was made. i do not live in this 'global economy' or local for that matter, there is a Father that owns it all anyway. and by golly i trust Him.
now, dont get me wrong. i'm not going to stop working or striving to do work and expect to be able to mooch off of the system or off of the church. paul made tents. but i'm not driven by money, and though i've become aware of my 'expensive tastes', i'm pretty sure i can figure out how to live on what i need.
and then i should give the rest away. what good will it do me if i dont?
my paintings, they sit in my house. sure mom rotates them on our walls... several are at the church. and if they keep letting me, more will end up there. but the last thing i want is a 'me' gallery there. oh dear no. may other people's work always out number mine!
i'm kinda excited about doing this.
before writing this, i read some emails and the links in them, and then i felt like i should write an entry. so i paused and asked, 'what about?' answer: 'Jesus'...
i flipped through my bible, but felt that wasnt what it meant.
so i just started typing, and now i realize that to live like Jesus and see how he sees, that's it. that's all it has ever been.
'why do you create this stress in your life?' ...well, because i'm supposed to do it that way.
'says who? not me, that's for sure. in fact, i've told you to stop it.' ...yes, i know.
'so we good then?' ...ha, yeah, Jesus, we're good.
i'm becoming more sure that i need to give my paintings away.
so, if you've ever eyed one, let me know and i will make sure you get to enjoy it.
yes. i feel really good about that.
i paint because it is inside me, and i do it hoping that it hits a note inside of you. and if it does - praise God. for those who i've already charged, i'm sorry. thanks for investing? sigh. life is crazy and my brain is properly upside down. ...it really bothers my dad. he wants me to be successful and safe, stable and secure. and he's my dad, he has every right to want that for me, he has the obligation to want that for me. i'm so blessed to have him and my mom.
the other day i felt this statement, "stop waiting for the worlds methods to line up, you weren't made for that"
ok then. i will live the way i was made. i do not live in this 'global economy' or local for that matter, there is a Father that owns it all anyway. and by golly i trust Him.
now, dont get me wrong. i'm not going to stop working or striving to do work and expect to be able to mooch off of the system or off of the church. paul made tents. but i'm not driven by money, and though i've become aware of my 'expensive tastes', i'm pretty sure i can figure out how to live on what i need.
and then i should give the rest away. what good will it do me if i dont?
my paintings, they sit in my house. sure mom rotates them on our walls... several are at the church. and if they keep letting me, more will end up there. but the last thing i want is a 'me' gallery there. oh dear no. may other people's work always out number mine!
i'm kinda excited about doing this.
before writing this, i read some emails and the links in them, and then i felt like i should write an entry. so i paused and asked, 'what about?' answer: 'Jesus'...
i flipped through my bible, but felt that wasnt what it meant.
so i just started typing, and now i realize that to live like Jesus and see how he sees, that's it. that's all it has ever been.
'why do you create this stress in your life?' ...well, because i'm supposed to do it that way.
'says who? not me, that's for sure. in fact, i've told you to stop it.' ...yes, i know.
'so we good then?' ...ha, yeah, Jesus, we're good.
4/26/13
|hello, my name is| timothy
i'm sitting here crying out in my soul to God because his goodness has overwhelmed me.
why? well, story time...
my sister hosts a bible study on monday nights, and we're doing (well, they're doing, i'm watching) the 'believing God' study by beth moore. i've done it before and could get a lot out of doing it again, but i decided to just let the session videos be inspiring on their own. well, the last one had several notes in it that struck thoughts in my head, and other notes that struck deeply embedded chords that have been part of me for a long time. one of the quotes i've written in my notes, as i look back over the thoughts that made it to the page, "He wants people 'in process' because when He's done He'll take them home"... good, i'm still in process, and it's ok.
then i drew a cartoon...
("too deep! i'll never reach the bottom!" then the tide goes out, way out. "much better!" they turn away from the deep, not noticing the wave coming back, "come on out! the water's..." and there's the wave.)
not sure what inspired that, i dont really think it had anything to do w/ what she was saying, not exactly. but in any case... it's kinda how i see some people in the christian world. and if you dont get it, let me tell you, the best way to get the treasure is to get equipped and swim deep and get it. but the people willing to do that dont really care about the treasure, they love the experience w/ the Guide. anywho, total sidetrack there. you're welcome. ok...
three things on my heart that beth brought up quite directly:
purity (the bride makes herself ready)
unified (speaks for itself, no?)
anointing... though she didnt dwell on this one, it's so powerful to me.
i long to see the laying on of hands in so many more places than ordinations. i think we should pray over each new believer after baptism... yeah, we dont pay enough attention to the Holy Spirit. honestly, we go around complaining that God isnt clear to us and doesnt talk to us.... but he does! this post is proof that he does, and we just dont get it. we have such thick skulls. those feelings and thoughts that come right out of our gut, that seem so sure and solid - even though they dont make a lick of sense...
like 'my name is timothy' ...what?
the next morning as i was reflecting on the study that's what i heard. about myself.
as in, me saying, 'my name is timothy'
now, some of you know i'm a bit independent and i've even had my desire for men questioned (before i had ever dated. fine, so i was a late bloomer, i say more people should be more easily questioned - shows that there are other things in life to focus on! soap box!). i would love to actually be a tomboy even though i guess i realize i'm not one... my mom pointed out to me once that i walk in a rather feminine way. ...and if counted, i own more high heels than other types of shoes combined... at the same time, i have been dealing w/ wanting to be the boy my dad never had, and i've always found my grandpa's 'hey boy' to be a term of endearment (he had 4 granddaughters, no grandsons - called us all 'boy'), i also like knowing i can do anything i need to do on my own, by myself.
i've often asked God what his name for me is. a name is such a big deal, or it used to be. bible names have meanings. and my name even has a meaning, and i love it - kara nadine means pure hope. it wasnt on purpose, mom and dad didnt know they named me that, but God did. and even though i love being Pure Hope, i wanted to know what God calls me. i hadnt thought about this for a long time, so it came out of no where to get an answer. a strange answer.
for me to think God is telling me that i should have a boy name is really weird.
i'm writing a fiction novel w/ magic and creatures - the main character is a girl who finds herself bound to a very masculine dragon... they live together and he forms her into a woman she couldnt have become w/out him. it's a depiction (in a slanted, not-quite kind of way) of how the Holy Spirit works in me. so i decided that this would be why God would give me a boy name, but i really didnt think that jived. i knew it had a meaning, but i didnt know what it was. i'd look it up later. for now i thought i might be putting it on myself,
and that maybe even satan put it in my head. a step to further question my lady-ness.
then again, another way i decided to look at it- if i start a ministry - timothy ministries!
ta-da!
i've always loved the encouragement of youth to not be afraid to lead - you know, paul's timothy.
i'm young. i've gotten a lot of encouragement out of that.
but that doesnt answer why 'my name is'
now, today - a few days have gone by. i had actually forgotten about it. all morning i've been living in my own world, creating events that will never happen, words i would say that i would never say... wasted a lot of time.
looking at myself in the mirror i felt sad and looked away. God caught me, made me look back at myself and say, 'i dont need this in my life...i'm timothy'
ok, if it came back, then i should check it out. because now it's weird.
it's one of those names i've never learned the meaning of, so i open biblestudytools.com and find it in the greek lexicon: "honoring God"
oh.
i'm honoring God.
i wasnt though, but God knows my name. he calls me timothy. he knows my heart.
that made me cry. pretty hard too.
that's grace.
why? well, story time...
my sister hosts a bible study on monday nights, and we're doing (well, they're doing, i'm watching) the 'believing God' study by beth moore. i've done it before and could get a lot out of doing it again, but i decided to just let the session videos be inspiring on their own. well, the last one had several notes in it that struck thoughts in my head, and other notes that struck deeply embedded chords that have been part of me for a long time. one of the quotes i've written in my notes, as i look back over the thoughts that made it to the page, "He wants people 'in process' because when He's done He'll take them home"... good, i'm still in process, and it's ok.
then i drew a cartoon...
not sure what inspired that, i dont really think it had anything to do w/ what she was saying, not exactly. but in any case... it's kinda how i see some people in the christian world. and if you dont get it, let me tell you, the best way to get the treasure is to get equipped and swim deep and get it. but the people willing to do that dont really care about the treasure, they love the experience w/ the Guide. anywho, total sidetrack there. you're welcome. ok...
three things on my heart that beth brought up quite directly:
purity (the bride makes herself ready)
unified (speaks for itself, no?)
anointing... though she didnt dwell on this one, it's so powerful to me.
i long to see the laying on of hands in so many more places than ordinations. i think we should pray over each new believer after baptism... yeah, we dont pay enough attention to the Holy Spirit. honestly, we go around complaining that God isnt clear to us and doesnt talk to us.... but he does! this post is proof that he does, and we just dont get it. we have such thick skulls. those feelings and thoughts that come right out of our gut, that seem so sure and solid - even though they dont make a lick of sense...
like 'my name is timothy' ...what?
the next morning as i was reflecting on the study that's what i heard. about myself.
as in, me saying, 'my name is timothy'
now, some of you know i'm a bit independent and i've even had my desire for men questioned (before i had ever dated. fine, so i was a late bloomer, i say more people should be more easily questioned - shows that there are other things in life to focus on! soap box!). i would love to actually be a tomboy even though i guess i realize i'm not one... my mom pointed out to me once that i walk in a rather feminine way. ...and if counted, i own more high heels than other types of shoes combined... at the same time, i have been dealing w/ wanting to be the boy my dad never had, and i've always found my grandpa's 'hey boy' to be a term of endearment (he had 4 granddaughters, no grandsons - called us all 'boy'), i also like knowing i can do anything i need to do on my own, by myself.
i've often asked God what his name for me is. a name is such a big deal, or it used to be. bible names have meanings. and my name even has a meaning, and i love it - kara nadine means pure hope. it wasnt on purpose, mom and dad didnt know they named me that, but God did. and even though i love being Pure Hope, i wanted to know what God calls me. i hadnt thought about this for a long time, so it came out of no where to get an answer. a strange answer.
for me to think God is telling me that i should have a boy name is really weird.
i'm writing a fiction novel w/ magic and creatures - the main character is a girl who finds herself bound to a very masculine dragon... they live together and he forms her into a woman she couldnt have become w/out him. it's a depiction (in a slanted, not-quite kind of way) of how the Holy Spirit works in me. so i decided that this would be why God would give me a boy name, but i really didnt think that jived. i knew it had a meaning, but i didnt know what it was. i'd look it up later. for now i thought i might be putting it on myself,
and that maybe even satan put it in my head. a step to further question my lady-ness.
then again, another way i decided to look at it- if i start a ministry - timothy ministries!
ta-da!
i've always loved the encouragement of youth to not be afraid to lead - you know, paul's timothy.
i'm young. i've gotten a lot of encouragement out of that.
but that doesnt answer why 'my name is'
now, today - a few days have gone by. i had actually forgotten about it. all morning i've been living in my own world, creating events that will never happen, words i would say that i would never say... wasted a lot of time.
looking at myself in the mirror i felt sad and looked away. God caught me, made me look back at myself and say, 'i dont need this in my life...i'm timothy'
ok, if it came back, then i should check it out. because now it's weird.
it's one of those names i've never learned the meaning of, so i open biblestudytools.com and find it in the greek lexicon: "honoring God"
oh.
i'm honoring God.
i wasnt though, but God knows my name. he calls me timothy. he knows my heart.
that made me cry. pretty hard too.
that's grace.
3/9/13
do we ever get out of junior high?
i know junior high is a time of crazy insecurity and identification creation, but i never felt it. i've not taken a lot of time to work out why that is, and i've always felt bad for these kids who find it to be such a hard time. honestly, i've put the blame on themselves for their troubles. i've thought they put too much power in the hands of other kids, which has never made sense to me.
but then i was thinking about it.
sure, i was shy and stood off on purpose. i had my little circle of acquaintances, and that was enough for me. but it was in fact quite an awkward time for me. i have scoliosis, and during that time i wore a brace to help straighten me out. braces on your teeth is the common awkward meter, so i guess my problem was on such a different page no one else really knew what to do w/ it either. let me describe this thing to you, it was a plastic bodice molded to my body, starting just below my chest around my sternum, and stopped along the edge of my hips (which were so boney that they had to adjust it to have bumps over my hip bones, since they stuck out just far enough to not cooperate w/ the contraption). it had an opening on one side so my ribs could expand w/ my breathing, and a crack/break (open seam-line?) on the other side from the top to about my waist in order to bend it to put it on. the back was the opening, and it strapped tight with three velcro pulls. i guess it was kinda like an armless straight jacket made out of 1/8" ridged plastic.
yeah, when you're in junior high wearing something like that under your shirt people notice how proper you sit and how strange you move. but, when they find out why, the first thing they want to do is knock on it. and they did. made jokes about how it should have abdominal muscles on it, so that i could act like i was all buffed out. i smile thinking back to those strange days in junior high. i had a shield.
that idea occurred to me just the other day, that God protected me from the common harsh world of adolescence by literally giving me a shield. i had an answer to the other kids about my body (since really it is the body that gains identity in junior high). it didnt matter that i was a 'late-bloomer' and that i didnt look like the other girls. it didnt matter that i wasnt athletic or competitive. it didnt matter that i didnt have a crush on someone or know if someone had a crush on me. i was the girl w/ awesome posture and rock hard abs. i even remember one guy who thought it was so cool that he knocked on my stomach probably everyday, but then in high school when i didnt have it anymore and the rules of life changed yet again, i dont think he even realized who i was (not that you see the same people that often in a school of so many kids). and that might have hurt some people, but my social life wasnt attached to school. my closest friends were the kids i knew at church, and most of them went to other schools or were home-schooled. God was my shield in those formative years, and he gave me a physical shield to take w/ me into life.
a lot of kids dont want to be different from their peers. i never really had a choice. so i embraced it. i took being different on as part of my identity.
now, it's not like i was stuck in it all the time. i think the whole period of wearing it was two years. the first year i had to sleep in it, but not the second. my family was in tae kwon do (self-defense based martial art), and i obviously couldnt wear it there! but i did wear it at summer camp and the various youth group outings, as well as school for those two years.
it allowed for me to have a degree of separation from popularity contests and boy-crazy-neediness. it didnt force me into the outcasts, but it did put me in a place to find out that they're some of the nicest people i know. it put me in a place to know the kind people in all the various cliques. subconsciously i guess it also guided me away from those who are not kind. it's amazing how much drama you can avoid when you dont try to be friends w/ people who dont care about anyone but themselves. hm, i dare say that might be a good piece of advice.
so, i guess what i'm saying is that this culture creates a need for a shield. and so many kids dont have one. even the kids in church dont always get the protection of confidence, the comfort of having an answer to their peers about who they are. so often we dont realize that this is even a need. many times the idea given by adults that identity is something unquestioned only makes it more illusive. i know for me, identity is always changing, and at this point in my life that change is actually part of my identity. maybe if that was something i could go back and tell myself, i would. and i think if that kid could come tell me a thing or two, she'd say "dont forget your shield."
but then i was thinking about it.
sure, i was shy and stood off on purpose. i had my little circle of acquaintances, and that was enough for me. but it was in fact quite an awkward time for me. i have scoliosis, and during that time i wore a brace to help straighten me out. braces on your teeth is the common awkward meter, so i guess my problem was on such a different page no one else really knew what to do w/ it either. let me describe this thing to you, it was a plastic bodice molded to my body, starting just below my chest around my sternum, and stopped along the edge of my hips (which were so boney that they had to adjust it to have bumps over my hip bones, since they stuck out just far enough to not cooperate w/ the contraption). it had an opening on one side so my ribs could expand w/ my breathing, and a crack/break (open seam-line?) on the other side from the top to about my waist in order to bend it to put it on. the back was the opening, and it strapped tight with three velcro pulls. i guess it was kinda like an armless straight jacket made out of 1/8" ridged plastic.
yeah, when you're in junior high wearing something like that under your shirt people notice how proper you sit and how strange you move. but, when they find out why, the first thing they want to do is knock on it. and they did. made jokes about how it should have abdominal muscles on it, so that i could act like i was all buffed out. i smile thinking back to those strange days in junior high. i had a shield.
that idea occurred to me just the other day, that God protected me from the common harsh world of adolescence by literally giving me a shield. i had an answer to the other kids about my body (since really it is the body that gains identity in junior high). it didnt matter that i was a 'late-bloomer' and that i didnt look like the other girls. it didnt matter that i wasnt athletic or competitive. it didnt matter that i didnt have a crush on someone or know if someone had a crush on me. i was the girl w/ awesome posture and rock hard abs. i even remember one guy who thought it was so cool that he knocked on my stomach probably everyday, but then in high school when i didnt have it anymore and the rules of life changed yet again, i dont think he even realized who i was (not that you see the same people that often in a school of so many kids). and that might have hurt some people, but my social life wasnt attached to school. my closest friends were the kids i knew at church, and most of them went to other schools or were home-schooled. God was my shield in those formative years, and he gave me a physical shield to take w/ me into life.
a lot of kids dont want to be different from their peers. i never really had a choice. so i embraced it. i took being different on as part of my identity.
now, it's not like i was stuck in it all the time. i think the whole period of wearing it was two years. the first year i had to sleep in it, but not the second. my family was in tae kwon do (self-defense based martial art), and i obviously couldnt wear it there! but i did wear it at summer camp and the various youth group outings, as well as school for those two years.
it allowed for me to have a degree of separation from popularity contests and boy-crazy-neediness. it didnt force me into the outcasts, but it did put me in a place to find out that they're some of the nicest people i know. it put me in a place to know the kind people in all the various cliques. subconsciously i guess it also guided me away from those who are not kind. it's amazing how much drama you can avoid when you dont try to be friends w/ people who dont care about anyone but themselves. hm, i dare say that might be a good piece of advice.
so, i guess what i'm saying is that this culture creates a need for a shield. and so many kids dont have one. even the kids in church dont always get the protection of confidence, the comfort of having an answer to their peers about who they are. so often we dont realize that this is even a need. many times the idea given by adults that identity is something unquestioned only makes it more illusive. i know for me, identity is always changing, and at this point in my life that change is actually part of my identity. maybe if that was something i could go back and tell myself, i would. and i think if that kid could come tell me a thing or two, she'd say "dont forget your shield."
3/5/13
sometimes we kill things.
huh. turns out when you look up 'involuntary vegetarian' you find people writing about giving up meat because of health or a loved one. so i had to pick a different word, 'accidental vegetarian' got what i was looking for... i've noticed over the last few years i desire less and less meat, mainly beef and pork i guess, but i was just wondering if anyone else found themselves doing this. turns out yes, there are people out there who, like me, looked at themselves one day to notice a decreased consumption of meat. it's not really that big of a deal, but my parents think it's strange. and alongside that, i've had people ask me if i was vegetarian. to which i've answered, 'no'. it's usually followed by a 'but...'
i guess the reason it has caught my attention enough to write about it is my attempt to replace the meat w/ the greens and whatnot that i should be consuming. i'm not good about that. thankfully though i have always liked broccoli and peas... not the most substantial for a calorie-lacking individual like myself. i've recently been introduced to kale, and i find it much more enjoyable than cooked spinach. it doesnt get that weird stinky business going on. and it goes really fantastic with potatoes. any kind really, french fries, scalloped, mashed... it's a lovely pair.
anywho.
it's more than that, i dont care for dietary labeling. i think it's silly. so when people ask if i'm vegetarian, and then i say no because i like fish and stuph...then they move to asking if i'm pescetarian, etc. and i say no, i still eat the meat...just not often. but it's not just that, i really dont care to align myself w/ a diet type. it's almost a religious thing, if i let myself analyze how i truly see it. ah, now see here, this entry shows what i mean... we're a funny lot arent we? i would argue that anyone who eats outside of the vegan/vegetarian world is the flexitarian. what point is there in a label that has exceptions this diverse? i'm an 'x', but i anti-x in a few ways...so i'm not really an 'x' after all. i guess i'm a purist. i dont see the world the way vegans do, i think God has provided us w/ animals for food...which is why i see it as a religious issue. i think some people see the value of vegetarianism, and they shoot for the ideal, but they dont value vegetarianism, so they break the rules and give themselves a new name.
i wasnt really sure where this blog would go when i first started, i just felt like it would be a good topic for self-reflection... now i see what God is moving through in me. it's kinda neat, i hope you can appreciate it too.
we are spiritual beings, and people value the benefits of things like prayer and spiritual journeys, but they dont value prayer or spiritual journeys. food is like that. food is part of our journey. God did not design me to drink ensure (nutrition drink, i only like the chocolate ones, like you care.) just to get the calories i need to burn in order to function and 'do his will'. God designed me to enjoy the world, that is his will. he designed food to be not just a required part of life to take for granted, or to hoard, or to abstain from, or indulge in...
people are always talking about what diet they are on, how they're going to get on track this time... no, you are not going to get it right this time. you're doing it wrong. you're putting value in the idea, but you are not valuing the idea. one perspective keeps you on the outside, the other brings you into itself.
Jesus talked about abundant life... so why is it we wake up and think that life is somewhere outside of our immediate environment? i should be waking up to drink it all in, to step out of bed and feel the floor under my feet, to walk into my overflowing kitchen and partake in the goodness, then move into the day grateful (i should blog on the origin of that word, it doesnt make sense to me. full of grate?)...
ah, well sometimes it serves well for something to bother you - latin gratus. the root for grateful. i also think of grazie (italian for thank you), gracias (spanish), gratuity, grace... but gratus translates to 'pleasing'... thankfulness is rooted in pleasure.
life is never in short supply of demons. some of them are easy to see, and some are so well camouflaged that it isnt until we have stepped into the world of redesign in our minds - until we've redecorated - that they become dissonant to our senses. so long as they fit into our house (our minds), so long as they match the curtains, we walk by them daily. we dont spend a lot of time in other people's houses, so we just assume that everyone is like 'this', and that 'this' is normal. what brings me pleasure is knowing that God sees them. he sees my adoption of habits and spiritual ignorances (yes, i'm making it plural. it's too diverse to say there is only one perspective for myself to be ignorant in.) and ya know, even if everyone else does have 'this', doesnt mean that it's pretty. i'm full of side-notes today, sorry. yes, so, moving on. as we walk with Jesus, he points at the curtains, and says hey lets go shopping, and you bring in new curtains. all of the sudden, you see the demon, and it feels strange. like a robber invading your home, yet... you know this guy. you've seen it everyday. but you've never seen it like this.
food is one of those things for me. i live a way, and then Jesus changes something. then the new way reveals that i've harbored a stranger. it reveals that the source of a painful displeasure, a hindrance from that abundant life (a voice that has said, "abundant life is a lie and is selfish, besides impossible") - now i see that what was once about food, is now about my soul. about my gratus. about my gracias. my grace.
the bit in this definition titled 'word story' ends by saying we dont want to give something a coup de grâce, but i think we do. that stranger hiding in the curtains needs to say good bye.
and i need to live out the abundant life, understanding the purpose and pleasure of food in my spiritual journey. thanks for tagging along!
i guess the reason it has caught my attention enough to write about it is my attempt to replace the meat w/ the greens and whatnot that i should be consuming. i'm not good about that. thankfully though i have always liked broccoli and peas... not the most substantial for a calorie-lacking individual like myself. i've recently been introduced to kale, and i find it much more enjoyable than cooked spinach. it doesnt get that weird stinky business going on. and it goes really fantastic with potatoes. any kind really, french fries, scalloped, mashed... it's a lovely pair.
anywho.
it's more than that, i dont care for dietary labeling. i think it's silly. so when people ask if i'm vegetarian, and then i say no because i like fish and stuph...then they move to asking if i'm pescetarian, etc. and i say no, i still eat the meat...just not often. but it's not just that, i really dont care to align myself w/ a diet type. it's almost a religious thing, if i let myself analyze how i truly see it. ah, now see here, this entry shows what i mean... we're a funny lot arent we? i would argue that anyone who eats outside of the vegan/vegetarian world is the flexitarian. what point is there in a label that has exceptions this diverse? i'm an 'x', but i anti-x in a few ways...so i'm not really an 'x' after all. i guess i'm a purist. i dont see the world the way vegans do, i think God has provided us w/ animals for food...which is why i see it as a religious issue. i think some people see the value of vegetarianism, and they shoot for the ideal, but they dont value vegetarianism, so they break the rules and give themselves a new name.
i wasnt really sure where this blog would go when i first started, i just felt like it would be a good topic for self-reflection... now i see what God is moving through in me. it's kinda neat, i hope you can appreciate it too.
we are spiritual beings, and people value the benefits of things like prayer and spiritual journeys, but they dont value prayer or spiritual journeys. food is like that. food is part of our journey. God did not design me to drink ensure (nutrition drink, i only like the chocolate ones, like you care.) just to get the calories i need to burn in order to function and 'do his will'. God designed me to enjoy the world, that is his will. he designed food to be not just a required part of life to take for granted, or to hoard, or to abstain from, or indulge in...
people are always talking about what diet they are on, how they're going to get on track this time... no, you are not going to get it right this time. you're doing it wrong. you're putting value in the idea, but you are not valuing the idea. one perspective keeps you on the outside, the other brings you into itself.
Jesus talked about abundant life... so why is it we wake up and think that life is somewhere outside of our immediate environment? i should be waking up to drink it all in, to step out of bed and feel the floor under my feet, to walk into my overflowing kitchen and partake in the goodness, then move into the day grateful (i should blog on the origin of that word, it doesnt make sense to me. full of grate?)...
ah, well sometimes it serves well for something to bother you - latin gratus. the root for grateful. i also think of grazie (italian for thank you), gracias (spanish), gratuity, grace... but gratus translates to 'pleasing'... thankfulness is rooted in pleasure.
life is never in short supply of demons. some of them are easy to see, and some are so well camouflaged that it isnt until we have stepped into the world of redesign in our minds - until we've redecorated - that they become dissonant to our senses. so long as they fit into our house (our minds), so long as they match the curtains, we walk by them daily. we dont spend a lot of time in other people's houses, so we just assume that everyone is like 'this', and that 'this' is normal. what brings me pleasure is knowing that God sees them. he sees my adoption of habits and spiritual ignorances (yes, i'm making it plural. it's too diverse to say there is only one perspective for myself to be ignorant in.) and ya know, even if everyone else does have 'this', doesnt mean that it's pretty. i'm full of side-notes today, sorry. yes, so, moving on. as we walk with Jesus, he points at the curtains, and says hey lets go shopping, and you bring in new curtains. all of the sudden, you see the demon, and it feels strange. like a robber invading your home, yet... you know this guy. you've seen it everyday. but you've never seen it like this.
food is one of those things for me. i live a way, and then Jesus changes something. then the new way reveals that i've harbored a stranger. it reveals that the source of a painful displeasure, a hindrance from that abundant life (a voice that has said, "abundant life is a lie and is selfish, besides impossible") - now i see that what was once about food, is now about my soul. about my gratus. about my gracias. my grace.
the bit in this definition titled 'word story' ends by saying we dont want to give something a coup de grâce, but i think we do. that stranger hiding in the curtains needs to say good bye.
and i need to live out the abundant life, understanding the purpose and pleasure of food in my spiritual journey. thanks for tagging along!
2/27/13
the week's last thoughts
having coffee (well, hot chocolate) with the church staff at their weekly shop-talk meeting is always fun. it feels quite the privilege to be trusted into such a groups unguarded discussion. it's a group that is very easy to love and enjoy, to see how much they put themselves into the people they serve.
as i've been job searching on line, i came across service and catering positions w/ a food chain i've never eaten in...so we decided it would be prudent to actually go in and taste it (my host and myself, we parted ways with the others). turns out i'm actually impressed w/ the selection, and for some reason beyond me i'm actually going to apply for the catering slot. it doesnt really make sense to me why i would do this, but since it is such an odd draw to it, i figure i'd better respond even if it's just a test of willingness.
following this was another visit to the bookstore, so that my host could go through her meeting notes as well as prepare for other things, including our bible study in the evening. i was able to finish going through the doctor who magazine i encountered earlier on sunday afternoon, and then began to investigate the direction for the bible study myself. mainly i used my fancy phone and all it's technological glory, but i did notice while i was walking around the store after being satisfied w/ my findings there - a book about salt (our study passage was matthew 5:13-16). i would have bought it if i had the resources to do as i please. the author was traveling around in europe and was eating a fantastic steak, with some difficulty he was able to find out why it was so wonderful - salt made by the owner's brother, a salt artisan. i've noticed lately in the store all the various fancy salts, but it didnt occur to me till flipping through this book and reading his discoveries and realizations that our salt is, well, awful. it belongs in the category of white bread and soda. it's mass produced and has nothing to do w/ its roots of handmade regional flavor and time-consuming value. no wonder we dont understand the bible's confidence in a 'covenant of salt'. i still dont get it. but i do know this after the cumulation of poking around, salt was required on all the grain offerings, dictated in leviticus, and Jesus calls himself the bread of life - the ultimate sacrifice - and if we are the salt of the earth, we are to cling to Him before God. i got that from a guy named ron miller. this passage of Jesus' teaching is so visual. come to think of it, he was pretty much always making connections that we put together w/ our familiarity and visual knowledge. but then He'd go beyond that. i was taught that the first place something is mentioned in the bible is usually significant. and the first mention of light is so obvious, i couldnt help but see it. He says we are the light of the world, and the first thing God spoke into existence was light. before there was a sun or moon. and Jesus is called the light. and in the end, when the sun and moon are gone, there will still be His light. so we are light w/ Him? that's a pretty big deal. it's also a big deal when you pull the whole thing together, and look at who He's talking to. the poor in spirit, the desperate, the meek, the mourning who will find comfort, the hungry righteousness seekers, the pure in heart, the merciful. yes, a world w/out these people, it would be dark and flavorless. the desperate will be the most alive when given new breath, those who know pain know great joy when things are made right, when justice wins there is freedom...yes, the world needs these people. the world needs them light a city on a hill, like salt in their food.
a thought i had at the bible study was the safety of a town lit at night, but this morning i'm also reminded of the safety of a salted road. i dont know if it is ironic that Jesus says the flavorless salt is thrown on the ground and is good for nothing... but here, they value salt on the road. it means they can travel and do life without worrying that they will end up on the side of the way, stuck somewhere.
i leave today. i'll be back home by midnight. and i wonder, will i be here again? so many beautiful hearts have made it clear they already long to have me back, to have me be part of life here. i'm so touched by that, i really dont know how to feel, but obviously humbled. to have been adopted upon first meeting by this new family here... i hope to see them again. how strange it feels. i've only ever known my family back home, and they truly are family to me. i shouldnt have any ease to leave them. yet God puts in our hearts things we may never understand, and will never be able to explain. i think he has enabled me to have a peace about all this. even though there are puzzle pieces still in his hands. i will simply wait to see what it looks like as he places them upon the table. ...yeah.
as i've been job searching on line, i came across service and catering positions w/ a food chain i've never eaten in...so we decided it would be prudent to actually go in and taste it (my host and myself, we parted ways with the others). turns out i'm actually impressed w/ the selection, and for some reason beyond me i'm actually going to apply for the catering slot. it doesnt really make sense to me why i would do this, but since it is such an odd draw to it, i figure i'd better respond even if it's just a test of willingness.
following this was another visit to the bookstore, so that my host could go through her meeting notes as well as prepare for other things, including our bible study in the evening. i was able to finish going through the doctor who magazine i encountered earlier on sunday afternoon, and then began to investigate the direction for the bible study myself. mainly i used my fancy phone and all it's technological glory, but i did notice while i was walking around the store after being satisfied w/ my findings there - a book about salt (our study passage was matthew 5:13-16). i would have bought it if i had the resources to do as i please. the author was traveling around in europe and was eating a fantastic steak, with some difficulty he was able to find out why it was so wonderful - salt made by the owner's brother, a salt artisan. i've noticed lately in the store all the various fancy salts, but it didnt occur to me till flipping through this book and reading his discoveries and realizations that our salt is, well, awful. it belongs in the category of white bread and soda. it's mass produced and has nothing to do w/ its roots of handmade regional flavor and time-consuming value. no wonder we dont understand the bible's confidence in a 'covenant of salt'. i still dont get it. but i do know this after the cumulation of poking around, salt was required on all the grain offerings, dictated in leviticus, and Jesus calls himself the bread of life - the ultimate sacrifice - and if we are the salt of the earth, we are to cling to Him before God. i got that from a guy named ron miller. this passage of Jesus' teaching is so visual. come to think of it, he was pretty much always making connections that we put together w/ our familiarity and visual knowledge. but then He'd go beyond that. i was taught that the first place something is mentioned in the bible is usually significant. and the first mention of light is so obvious, i couldnt help but see it. He says we are the light of the world, and the first thing God spoke into existence was light. before there was a sun or moon. and Jesus is called the light. and in the end, when the sun and moon are gone, there will still be His light. so we are light w/ Him? that's a pretty big deal. it's also a big deal when you pull the whole thing together, and look at who He's talking to. the poor in spirit, the desperate, the meek, the mourning who will find comfort, the hungry righteousness seekers, the pure in heart, the merciful. yes, a world w/out these people, it would be dark and flavorless. the desperate will be the most alive when given new breath, those who know pain know great joy when things are made right, when justice wins there is freedom...yes, the world needs these people. the world needs them light a city on a hill, like salt in their food.
a thought i had at the bible study was the safety of a town lit at night, but this morning i'm also reminded of the safety of a salted road. i dont know if it is ironic that Jesus says the flavorless salt is thrown on the ground and is good for nothing... but here, they value salt on the road. it means they can travel and do life without worrying that they will end up on the side of the way, stuck somewhere.
i leave today. i'll be back home by midnight. and i wonder, will i be here again? so many beautiful hearts have made it clear they already long to have me back, to have me be part of life here. i'm so touched by that, i really dont know how to feel, but obviously humbled. to have been adopted upon first meeting by this new family here... i hope to see them again. how strange it feels. i've only ever known my family back home, and they truly are family to me. i shouldnt have any ease to leave them. yet God puts in our hearts things we may never understand, and will never be able to explain. i think he has enabled me to have a peace about all this. even though there are puzzle pieces still in his hands. i will simply wait to see what it looks like as he places them upon the table. ...yeah.
2/26/13
no lack of good things
you find out who the outdoorsy people are around here when it's cold...or when it's not, i suppose. my host, took me and one of my new friends up to mount sugarloaf. no idea why it would be called that. i should look it up for you! ah, they used to put sugar into a certain kind of shape for packaging and shipment - i take it if you look at these peaks, you'll know what that looked like. fair enough.
well, anyway, on our way there we passed the yankee candle place, and it seems that a lot of people think it is worth a stop. none of us cared about it. but get us on a trail? happy campers! i will say though, on the way up my thighs were questioning my motives. i should work out more so that they dont get surprised next time i go hike around anywhere. thankfully though it was just a short distance, and by the time we were back down they had forgiven me their misfortune.
at the top you find yourself overlooking the connecticut river. on either side of the landscape it cuts through is farm land and what look to me as segments of towns (but i think they are full towns, but i dont know how). at the beginning of my stay i learned that the long barns are for drying tobacco, and the fields next to them are where it grows. let me just tell you they are everywhere. there's something neat about the way they look though, so they end up in my pictures. i guess they tell of our crazy history, silently pulling through into our crazy future. there's something to be said for that.
once we were back in our town, a stones throw away practically (well, maybe a few throws), my lovely host gets a look in her eye and asks, "time for a treat before we break ways?" speaking to our friend that joined us. so we stopped at this charming modern/rustic/industrial cafe. the base of the counters were covered in pieced together cabinet doors and other decorative framework parts (old door frame corners, from a time when even the little things got some loving attention - the type of thing that is part of the norm here). wooden shelves on the dining area walls were supported by black metal pipes and the lights were wine bottles w/ the bottoms cut off, hanging over the tables. the long table in the middle had a lovely series of bottles, amber, green, and blue in all different sizes laid out in a lose stair step (by height, w/ the bottoms level) for a nice unified feeling. our round bistro table was a hodge-podge of wood scraps fit together and covered with a shallow pool of resin. some of the boards had faded logos and writing from their past lives. the food was great, i had a little sandwich w/ scrambled egg, apricot jam, whipped gorgonzola, and arugula. a sticky wonderful thing. oh, and citrus ginger tea. which i pretty much drank all of (those little tea pots seem to hold more than you realize). i've been needing more liquids here than i thought i would, even now my knuckles are dry (i've never had dry knuckles). the others had carrot cake, a smoothie, and soup...and we shared the cake. i'm glad we did, it was packed w/ walnuts and the icing was thick and rich, it was well done. i think i would be willing to try anything there.
there have been so many chances for great food this week, even my last event of the day was dinner. earlier in my stay we were told to check out a sushi buffet. well, that idea is typically sketchy, but a second person said it was worth it too. i mean, if two reliable friends recommend it, we should at least give it the benefit of the doubt. w/ one of the roommates in tow we went...and it was wonderful. several really creative flavor combinations - like mango, which was lovely in sushi rice. and the nigiri was tasty good. i night have overdone it w/ the coconut shrimp (but who says no to fried shrimp in creamy sweet gooey sauce?)so i've had sushi twice now, i'm quite the happy camper indeed.
well, anyway, on our way there we passed the yankee candle place, and it seems that a lot of people think it is worth a stop. none of us cared about it. but get us on a trail? happy campers! i will say though, on the way up my thighs were questioning my motives. i should work out more so that they dont get surprised next time i go hike around anywhere. thankfully though it was just a short distance, and by the time we were back down they had forgiven me their misfortune.
at the top you find yourself overlooking the connecticut river. on either side of the landscape it cuts through is farm land and what look to me as segments of towns (but i think they are full towns, but i dont know how). at the beginning of my stay i learned that the long barns are for drying tobacco, and the fields next to them are where it grows. let me just tell you they are everywhere. there's something neat about the way they look though, so they end up in my pictures. i guess they tell of our crazy history, silently pulling through into our crazy future. there's something to be said for that.
once we were back in our town, a stones throw away practically (well, maybe a few throws), my lovely host gets a look in her eye and asks, "time for a treat before we break ways?" speaking to our friend that joined us. so we stopped at this charming modern/rustic/industrial cafe. the base of the counters were covered in pieced together cabinet doors and other decorative framework parts (old door frame corners, from a time when even the little things got some loving attention - the type of thing that is part of the norm here). wooden shelves on the dining area walls were supported by black metal pipes and the lights were wine bottles w/ the bottoms cut off, hanging over the tables. the long table in the middle had a lovely series of bottles, amber, green, and blue in all different sizes laid out in a lose stair step (by height, w/ the bottoms level) for a nice unified feeling. our round bistro table was a hodge-podge of wood scraps fit together and covered with a shallow pool of resin. some of the boards had faded logos and writing from their past lives. the food was great, i had a little sandwich w/ scrambled egg, apricot jam, whipped gorgonzola, and arugula. a sticky wonderful thing. oh, and citrus ginger tea. which i pretty much drank all of (those little tea pots seem to hold more than you realize). i've been needing more liquids here than i thought i would, even now my knuckles are dry (i've never had dry knuckles). the others had carrot cake, a smoothie, and soup...and we shared the cake. i'm glad we did, it was packed w/ walnuts and the icing was thick and rich, it was well done. i think i would be willing to try anything there.
there have been so many chances for great food this week, even my last event of the day was dinner. earlier in my stay we were told to check out a sushi buffet. well, that idea is typically sketchy, but a second person said it was worth it too. i mean, if two reliable friends recommend it, we should at least give it the benefit of the doubt. w/ one of the roommates in tow we went...and it was wonderful. several really creative flavor combinations - like mango, which was lovely in sushi rice. and the nigiri was tasty good. i night have overdone it w/ the coconut shrimp (but who says no to fried shrimp in creamy sweet gooey sauce?)so i've had sushi twice now, i'm quite the happy camper indeed.
2/25/13
my heart is beating peacefully.
fear not good towns people! your favorite protagonist has not been defeated by the wintery nemesis WeatherMan! nay, his prediction was less than impressive. it was wet for a little while, and even some slushy flakes fell, but the ground is no more covered now than when i first arrived. it is just the remnants of his last great attempt to cover the world in white, which recedes little by little each day.
"great news," you say, "but why have you forced us to wait so long til this next update?"
well. weekends get busy. sorry.
so, where did i leave off?
saturday was nice and slow. i've enjoyed the various tours of the campuses, but the greenhouse at smith was beautiful. dont get me wrong, the quirky late 20th century architecture of hampshire college is amusing, and the antiquated feel given off by the main buildings on the other schools is great, but nature takes the cake. the maze of humid greenery draws you in. from one room of tropical exotic you go through a door and find cacti and succulents that make you pause (why would a cactus need hair?). the other visitors brought a smile to my face, one mother made use of a tree-filled room like a park for her active little boy. she sat on a quaint bench as he literally ran around the place in circles, back and forth around and round. he was having a blast. so i can certainly see finding some respite from the snow in there in my future.
in the afternoon we went to visit a lovely couple who has made their own little sugar house. getting to see the sugaring process from the very beginning to end (w/ tastings throughout) was quite the good time. what's sugaring? making maple syrup! oh how yummy it is. i was very surprised how watery the sap is right out of the tree, runny and clear. we gathered it from buckets tapped into trees all on their property. it takes a good long number of hours to boil the water out and get it to the right % ratio. the flavor is so different when it has only begun to reduce a little, like a marshmallow, but with a bit more plant influence. one of the girls w/ us described it being similar to barley. but i havent smelled that, so i will just take her word.
all the houses here are charming and comfortable, old and lived in. back home this place would be a labeled historic district. but here, it's just life. this family in their old house probably find it troublesome or lack-luster. i'd go visit the sugaring house any time! and not just for the fresh still-hot sample of their finished syrup.
i think all the introverts of MA live here, and the extroverts must be in boston. well, not all. i've been introduced to a fellow aggie (though she only finished her first year before transferring here, but she owns it all the way) who reminds me of a dear friend back home. pretty sure she's been the most extroverted person i've met all week! gotta love your aggies. i say that, but of course it's not really true. there are two of them. this is sunday now, by the way, and i'm at church. finally seeing the pastor friend that has lured me in. i kinda love that half a week went by before seeing him. just shows that this place is about the people.
the early service is small, and unlike at home it's filled with young college students. as is the second service, which seemed 3x the attendance. i guess you find out who your morning people are!
the glow and fire these students have for the gospel is inspiring. so many are new christians and have no family background in it at all. there is no deep culture here to rebel against like at home. the roots of these churches and schools is long forgotten, or simply ignored. so once they see the truth and God removes the veil, it's like they wonder why they never saw it before.
after church i got to hang out w/ the pastor and his family while my host went off to a baby shower near boston (outskirts, but still a bit of a drive even so). their kids are awesome. me and their girl played w/ their bunny for a while after lunch (at chipotle, brand new here, and they flock to it! we beat our own crowd, who have made it their sunday tradition to go there now. so amusing. what would they do if they had the texacan?). we then had some down-time at barnes and noble. get a bit to drink and take advantage of the store to read a bit. first thing i see? a doctor who magazine. didnt finish going through it, but i couldnt justify the money to take it w/ me. did you know they use it in the uk to motivate creative writing among their grade school kids? they've had script writing contests, and the winners had their show filmed! what a cool deal! we wrapped up the evening rejoining my host at the pastor's house for dinner - chocolate chip pancakes and sausage scrambled eggs. i love breakfast for dinner!
and so went the days. everyone i meet is praying for me to find a job. they're all so kind and joyful. yet, they pain for the people in the cities. they rejoice deep, and they mourn deep. i only have a few more days, but regardless of what else happens, it has been good. real good.
"great news," you say, "but why have you forced us to wait so long til this next update?"
well. weekends get busy. sorry.
so, where did i leave off?
saturday was nice and slow. i've enjoyed the various tours of the campuses, but the greenhouse at smith was beautiful. dont get me wrong, the quirky late 20th century architecture of hampshire college is amusing, and the antiquated feel given off by the main buildings on the other schools is great, but nature takes the cake. the maze of humid greenery draws you in. from one room of tropical exotic you go through a door and find cacti and succulents that make you pause (why would a cactus need hair?). the other visitors brought a smile to my face, one mother made use of a tree-filled room like a park for her active little boy. she sat on a quaint bench as he literally ran around the place in circles, back and forth around and round. he was having a blast. so i can certainly see finding some respite from the snow in there in my future.
in the afternoon we went to visit a lovely couple who has made their own little sugar house. getting to see the sugaring process from the very beginning to end (w/ tastings throughout) was quite the good time. what's sugaring? making maple syrup! oh how yummy it is. i was very surprised how watery the sap is right out of the tree, runny and clear. we gathered it from buckets tapped into trees all on their property. it takes a good long number of hours to boil the water out and get it to the right % ratio. the flavor is so different when it has only begun to reduce a little, like a marshmallow, but with a bit more plant influence. one of the girls w/ us described it being similar to barley. but i havent smelled that, so i will just take her word.
all the houses here are charming and comfortable, old and lived in. back home this place would be a labeled historic district. but here, it's just life. this family in their old house probably find it troublesome or lack-luster. i'd go visit the sugaring house any time! and not just for the fresh still-hot sample of their finished syrup.
i think all the introverts of MA live here, and the extroverts must be in boston. well, not all. i've been introduced to a fellow aggie (though she only finished her first year before transferring here, but she owns it all the way) who reminds me of a dear friend back home. pretty sure she's been the most extroverted person i've met all week! gotta love your aggies. i say that, but of course it's not really true. there are two of them. this is sunday now, by the way, and i'm at church. finally seeing the pastor friend that has lured me in. i kinda love that half a week went by before seeing him. just shows that this place is about the people.
the early service is small, and unlike at home it's filled with young college students. as is the second service, which seemed 3x the attendance. i guess you find out who your morning people are!
the glow and fire these students have for the gospel is inspiring. so many are new christians and have no family background in it at all. there is no deep culture here to rebel against like at home. the roots of these churches and schools is long forgotten, or simply ignored. so once they see the truth and God removes the veil, it's like they wonder why they never saw it before.
after church i got to hang out w/ the pastor and his family while my host went off to a baby shower near boston (outskirts, but still a bit of a drive even so). their kids are awesome. me and their girl played w/ their bunny for a while after lunch (at chipotle, brand new here, and they flock to it! we beat our own crowd, who have made it their sunday tradition to go there now. so amusing. what would they do if they had the texacan?). we then had some down-time at barnes and noble. get a bit to drink and take advantage of the store to read a bit. first thing i see? a doctor who magazine. didnt finish going through it, but i couldnt justify the money to take it w/ me. did you know they use it in the uk to motivate creative writing among their grade school kids? they've had script writing contests, and the winners had their show filmed! what a cool deal! we wrapped up the evening rejoining my host at the pastor's house for dinner - chocolate chip pancakes and sausage scrambled eggs. i love breakfast for dinner!
and so went the days. everyone i meet is praying for me to find a job. they're all so kind and joyful. yet, they pain for the people in the cities. they rejoice deep, and they mourn deep. i only have a few more days, but regardless of what else happens, it has been good. real good.
2/23/13
mm, got me some sencha tea too.
amusing things:
several christmases ago, my aunt gave us scarves - beautiful, hand knit, long ones. well, in texas is doesnt get cold enough for them. but i love mine, it's rich red and warm purple, sort of rusty or brick like. well, it's perfect here.
then this last dec my uncle on the other side of the fam, he gave me several things, but the one i loved and have found most useful - fingerless gloves. i've worn them everyday here! when i was excited to receive them, he made a comment about thinking i would, that they struck him as something i'd like. how right!
ok then, for my daily recap!
most of the morning yesterday i was working on organizing my poetry. i am going to submit 10 pages of poems to a writing fellowship contest. it's so intimidating! looking over the last winners through the years, they have advanced degrees in writing and fine arts, they've been published or have been granted other fellowships...so then there's me. wholly untrained, unpublished, granted i've told you about my w-courses in college, but in comparison....it seems weak. but it's something i've done for years. words come out of me. so i'm going to find out if other people who like words - like mine. i'm going to have to treat it like a band-aid, do it quickly then forget about it, since the announcements for the winners isnt till sept. i have till the end of march to submit them, but i hope to do it well before the deadline - no procrastinating on something this big! it could change a lot for me. just dedicating myself to the blog more seriously is changing things internally. it almost seems possible.
before the 'events' of the day got into full swing, i joined my host in a search for a baby shower gift. well, target was out day before, so now it was to see if whole foods would let us down. nope, good 'ol whole foods. i have a feeling that would become my go-to place here. i wish i could transplant one central market, but whole foods will do. you'd think such a populated area would have a lot of just about everything, but as we drive around she points out all the chains that are new, w/in the last few years. it surprises me. this place, it's as if you took all the little in between towns back in central texas, like lampassas /marble falls /giddings /navasota /etc. and squshed them together w/out losing any small town feel. then stick a major highway in the middle of them to split them into sides. that's about what it feels like...
in the afternoon we went back into downtown amherst to meet w/ a lovely young woman who has decided to become involved in mercy house, volunteering in the admin details. so i joined in the conversation, that way i could also hear the info she needed to figure out how she was most useful. after covering several bases we got more into each others stories. she is a pretty new christian, it's been about a year. it's all still fresh and exciting in her eyes. though at the same time, the urgency of it weighs on her for her family. what a thing to deal w/ in life, i know many do not have the blessing i do - two parents who raised me in honesty with God.
that meeting ended w/ ideal timing, and we walked right across the street to dinner. there have been several times of lovely timing, stepping out of one thing and into another. it's funny how many people i'm meeting hail from texas. i think there's a fight club concept that i havent been initiated into - we're taking over, but no one seems to say so outright. hm. anyway... one of the older members of the church was part of our party, and i have instantly found friendship w/ her. i dont think i've ever met an ectomorph like myself before. well, not that i've spent much time talking about and acknowledging it so openly. what amuses me most though, if i come here i'll be leaving a group of older-than-me women who i love, but i know i'll be coming to join a new one. it's strangely common for me to find friendship in those older than myself. i've been called an old soul, not sure if that has anything to do w/ it. but i love them, they have so much life and so much to share, stories and experience...they see life though different lenses, and i'm always seeking new ways to see life.
the evening concluded by volunteering at the homeless shelter held in one of the churches. it reminded me so much of the soup kitchen back home, but much smaller! i was in the kitchen w/ three girls, i think they were all students at u-mass. you could tell who the leader was, she knew the drill and could delegate the workload. i didnt find out until we were into the night that the 'real' leader was unable to make it. i can tell you she should be so proud! what the one girl didnt know, the 'second-in-command' did. and the third girl and i just made sure what they needed done - got done. it will take some time to learn their names, but i know if i were to come back - they'd be open-armed friends. the third girl grew up here, and she thinks i should go to u-mass as well, and live here and be part of life here, she even hugged me goodbye. unless this area is just different from most of new england - i have not seen a single 'not nice' person here! lies, all lies i tell you! the time went so quickly, it was cleaned, re-prepped and time to go @11:30 before i even realized an hour might have gone by.
what a good day. it will be some effort to top that! though, somehow i have a feeling it will be done.
2/22/13
my daily post, just for you
what to say for yesterday? i'm getting to enjoy leisurely mornings followed by social afternoons. the range of social varies quite well too. since my host was meeting up with a friend to catch up on the times, i wondered around amherst. college students going to and fro, little businesses lining the street...stopped by several book stores and found the exhibit for emily dickenson and robert frost (and another man, whose name i've forgoten - but he got props from frost. that's pretty cool) in the library. got some dice in a fun little toy store, a friend of mine is waiting for me to turn a handful into jewelry - i think i will put it on the high end of the to-do list when i get home!
while i was walking around i had intended to take some pictures, but nothing grabbed me...so maybe another time. it was fun to hear all the locals talking about how cold it was. surprised me a bit. apparently it's colder this year than last, and i guess that's all the comparison one needs. but once you're layered up, it's not that bad. granted i came mentally prepared for cold. no where in my books is the high 30's and low 40's a warm day. the forecast has us down for snow on sat. that would be fun to see.
i should get ready for the day and maybe walk around this little neighborhood w/ my camera. if i dont to it today, i still need to make sure it happens before i leave.
well, i guess that's all for now. see you again tomorrow!
while i was walking around i had intended to take some pictures, but nothing grabbed me...so maybe another time. it was fun to hear all the locals talking about how cold it was. surprised me a bit. apparently it's colder this year than last, and i guess that's all the comparison one needs. but once you're layered up, it's not that bad. granted i came mentally prepared for cold. no where in my books is the high 30's and low 40's a warm day. the forecast has us down for snow on sat. that would be fun to see.
i should get ready for the day and maybe walk around this little neighborhood w/ my camera. if i dont to it today, i still need to make sure it happens before i leave.
well, i guess that's all for now. see you again tomorrow!
2/21/13
glass door knobs and bacon. end day one.
initial response: i love it here. yes, it's cold...that's what clothes are for. yes, it's filled with crazy people...well, i guess i fit in.
the pilot took a route that took us over the ocean, and up the coast line. slowly the landscape below bore snowy fields and hatch-mark tree-scapes, a world, when looking down upon it, that bore no color. it brought me to thoughts of bill waterson's calvin and hobbes' snowy panels, 'yukon ho!'
i'm sitting at a table paired with mismatched chairs in a lovely old two story house, looking out the window. the glass is old and has that fantastic melted trait. across the street, rows of tombstones in the snow. beyond that field of history are bright houses, fantastic high pitched roof lines and naked trees...well, a few evergreens.
this house has the 'i have stories you will never know' quality to it. glass door knobs and white radiant heaters made back when everything was worth putting a little extra effort into, showing off their curly motif. copper pipes conduct their business boldly from the bottom of the first floor up to the ceiling where they disappear. other girls live upstairs, i wont likely investigate it, but i assume it is for their radiators. for now downstairs is my curious domain. it seems there are doors everywhere. door to the stair, door between the entry and main room...not a lot of halls, just rooms off of one main space. i guess that helps keep heat in the rooms you want it in, i appreciate that!
at some point before i leave i will pull the doorbell knob, which is attached to a wire to the spring that rings inside the brass dome. in the room where i sleep, one of the features i love is a medium sized wood framed mirror propped in the corner on top of a rich textured old trunk. the curtains are orange, so when they're closed the light is tinted the same and washes the whole room. it's a nice thing to open your eyes to in the morning. i should probably go turn off the space heater in there, since i'm not occupying the space for a while. i do have it set to a particular temperature, but still. no reason to waste electricity! alright, there now.
it's interesting to come from texas, where i've seen pictures painted of the north east, and then sit shot-gun looking at the real thing going by. the barns and houses, fields of snow, the time... i dont know how old the paintings are that i've seen, but i would have imagined them being quite old - though now i suppose they could have been completed yesterday! coming back to the house last night my lovely host pointed out the twin buckets on each side of random trees (random to my untrained eye anyway, it would be helpful to see them with leaves i think): maple syrup waiting to happen. i love maple syrup! i will have to photograph the street of houses with the tin buckets on their trees. we were coming back from a bacon party. yes, that's exactly right. a friend of several here is sick, so in his honor they held a gathering to enjoy his favorite food. and i even took part! chocolate covered bacon is lovely. put it in a pb&banana sandwich, tip of the hat to elvis. i think that's the main way i eat it now. had a breakfast in portland (the one on the other side of the country) of the same idea (on french toast of course). but that was a different time. i'm writing about now.
later today while my generous host is meeting in town, i will go wondering! walking, watching, praying...
just because i know i need to walk in a new way, does it mean i walk in a new place? i wouldnt mind this place being home for a while. God knows, so i will soak it in and love it while i'm visiting.
the pilot took a route that took us over the ocean, and up the coast line. slowly the landscape below bore snowy fields and hatch-mark tree-scapes, a world, when looking down upon it, that bore no color. it brought me to thoughts of bill waterson's calvin and hobbes' snowy panels, 'yukon ho!'
i'm sitting at a table paired with mismatched chairs in a lovely old two story house, looking out the window. the glass is old and has that fantastic melted trait. across the street, rows of tombstones in the snow. beyond that field of history are bright houses, fantastic high pitched roof lines and naked trees...well, a few evergreens.
this house has the 'i have stories you will never know' quality to it. glass door knobs and white radiant heaters made back when everything was worth putting a little extra effort into, showing off their curly motif. copper pipes conduct their business boldly from the bottom of the first floor up to the ceiling where they disappear. other girls live upstairs, i wont likely investigate it, but i assume it is for their radiators. for now downstairs is my curious domain. it seems there are doors everywhere. door to the stair, door between the entry and main room...not a lot of halls, just rooms off of one main space. i guess that helps keep heat in the rooms you want it in, i appreciate that!
at some point before i leave i will pull the doorbell knob, which is attached to a wire to the spring that rings inside the brass dome. in the room where i sleep, one of the features i love is a medium sized wood framed mirror propped in the corner on top of a rich textured old trunk. the curtains are orange, so when they're closed the light is tinted the same and washes the whole room. it's a nice thing to open your eyes to in the morning. i should probably go turn off the space heater in there, since i'm not occupying the space for a while. i do have it set to a particular temperature, but still. no reason to waste electricity! alright, there now.
it's interesting to come from texas, where i've seen pictures painted of the north east, and then sit shot-gun looking at the real thing going by. the barns and houses, fields of snow, the time... i dont know how old the paintings are that i've seen, but i would have imagined them being quite old - though now i suppose they could have been completed yesterday! coming back to the house last night my lovely host pointed out the twin buckets on each side of random trees (random to my untrained eye anyway, it would be helpful to see them with leaves i think): maple syrup waiting to happen. i love maple syrup! i will have to photograph the street of houses with the tin buckets on their trees. we were coming back from a bacon party. yes, that's exactly right. a friend of several here is sick, so in his honor they held a gathering to enjoy his favorite food. and i even took part! chocolate covered bacon is lovely. put it in a pb&banana sandwich, tip of the hat to elvis. i think that's the main way i eat it now. had a breakfast in portland (the one on the other side of the country) of the same idea (on french toast of course). but that was a different time. i'm writing about now.
later today while my generous host is meeting in town, i will go wondering! walking, watching, praying...
just because i know i need to walk in a new way, does it mean i walk in a new place? i wouldnt mind this place being home for a while. God knows, so i will soak it in and love it while i'm visiting.
2/18/13
motionless fingers
trying to sort out myself, preparing to visit a snowy place...a place vastly different than here. i'm surprised i came up w/ anything at all, and didnt just sit here, fingers poised with no words to take hold.
5:45
in 36 hours i will be on a plane
i'll have to wake up too early
but that's ok
the destination is worth it
the destination is a glimmer in my future self's eyes
she is looking back at me
speaking comfort to my unanswered curiosity
i'm not anxious
that seems to come at a surprise
as if i should be, how dare my composure be so sure
i'm ready to be there, not just this time, but always
in a week and 48 hours i will be on a plane
coming home
but i want there to become home
i have yet to go, and i already want to go back.
5:45
in 36 hours i will be on a plane
i'll have to wake up too early
but that's ok
the destination is worth it
the destination is a glimmer in my future self's eyes
she is looking back at me
speaking comfort to my unanswered curiosity
i'm not anxious
that seems to come at a surprise
as if i should be, how dare my composure be so sure
i'm ready to be there, not just this time, but always
in a week and 48 hours i will be on a plane
coming home
but i want there to become home
i have yet to go, and i already want to go back.
2/13/13
things i dont show you
people know me as light-hearted and joyful, smiling and whatnot. and i am those things at times. but in the quiet places, where i love to be, i find that there is a sadness. it wont make sense to most, i dont expect it to. but, if i am to come out of my hiding places, then i have to admit i was in them in the first place, right?
well, this is something i wrote a few months ago. something it seems is always right below my surface. and now you know.
Every time I come here, it feels the same. I face a wall, so
high I cannot see the top, so wide there is no corner or end. It is windowless
and cold, layers of dark red brick and sorrowful grey mortar. What I long for,
I know without a single doubt, is looking right back opposite of me on the
other side. If the wall was invisible for but a moment, our eyes would meet and
I would finally understand my soul. Alas, no, the object of my desire and the
secrets of my soul are locked away with a key left in a dark hole far behind
me. I cannot bring myself to turn around, to seek the key; there is no strength
to leave. Day and night I stare through this brick, willing it to move or
willing myself to fly. I’ve already run the length to my left and right till my
lungs and legs hated me. I’ve jumped. I’ve dug. It is an eternal barrier. Every
hope and dream seems to touch the other side as I do, mirroring my behavior. My
hand has rested on this same stone for hours, if not days, maybe years. I’ve
completely lost track. I don’t feel as bad knowing they long for me as deeply
as I long for them. I notice I’m panting for breath, but I am not running
anymore. My heart races, though my feet are at rest. My mind is frantic,
incapable of new thought. I know eventually I will have to turn around and walk
away. But I can’t. I can’t. I hit the wall, bang it fist after fist producing
only numbness in the sides of my hands. The stones are so cold. It gnaws at me
to know there is a solution outside of myself, if I relinquish my faux control.
I’ve done it before. I even get half way to finding my dream in that way, but
then I think I can get the rest of the way alone…and I face a wall again.
Heavy. Yes, that how it feels on my chest, and in my heart:
heavy. Like concentrated gravity is funneled towards my soul. My freedom is
immeasurably close, and though I stretch out my arms to touch it I sweep only
air. My grasping leaves my hands empty, whatever had been in them before was
dropped in hopes of greater things. All I want to do is produce something that
will be of interest, something that resonates in other people’s minds, which
might lead to good changes and thoughtful conversations. Yet each time I place
my fingers upon the keys, the content eludes me and the weight comes. These
keys might open doors to freedom, but as I pick one and then another and form
combinations of words no doors open.
I feel the words, “Paint what is in the darkness.” It seems
it is all I can do to write this content as well. I ask, “What is in the
darkness?” …I am.
I am the wall, I am the gravity. I am in my own way. I am
hiding myself in the dark, hiding from myself in the dark. I am the cold, I am
the sorrow. But I am only in the darkness, I am not the darkness. That rings of
hope. There is hope of light beyond my eyes, if I would only open them. If I
would only turn away and seek the light, then I could depict what was in the
light. Strange comfort is offered to me by the light, while my eyes are still
closed, “Paint what is in the darkness.” It is not just me, but many who grasp
the air and inhale dust expecting sweetness. “Paint what is in the darkness.” A
canvas is only seen in the light. Though our souls might never seek exposure,
external content reflecting our interiors pokes holes in our walls. Piercing
light, no matter how small, becomes a source of pain to these eyes so
accustomed to darkness. “Paint what is in the darkness.” How can I? It hurts!
“Paint what is in the darkness.” I have to; it would fulfill my deepest
longings. I let time pass slowly. I watch it cautiously. I watch it mournfully,
knowing how much I’m wasting. But the words do not force my hand; they just
rest beside me, “Paint what is in the darkness.”
Sleepy, I grow tired far too easily. The amber sun
sets and its light cascades through the windows, pouring like clarified butter
onto the walls and floor. You don’t notice the shadows when you are taking such
enraptured interest in the light. This is the time of day that the pleasant
things fade faster than you like, causing you to realize you could have enjoyed
more of it if your head had been up and your eyes open.
a bit poetic
not 'new' words, just some that i havent shared.
When Roses Didn’t Have Thorns
What was it like?
A pleasurable hike
Through the woods
Without having to carry your
goods
And no mosquitoes too
Nothing there to sting you
When roses didn’t have thorns
And the beast was gentile
with its horns
Love was understood
And everything was good
How did it feel?
To have nothing to heal
Always in good condition
No ailments ever to mention
To feel good all the time
And always be in your prime
What would you see?
A lion walking gracefully
Right next to a new born lamb
It changes who I am
Because it seems to be true
And before man messed up He
knew
That when roses didn’t have
thorns
The beast was gentile with
its horns
Love was understood
And everything was good
He would have to make things
right again
To gain us back and let new
things begin
Even if it meant taking on
our sin
Just so we could know what it
was like, and feel and see
The way He intended the world
to be
A place where roses don’t
have thorns
And the beast is gentile with
its horns
Love is understood
And everything is good
Ponder the morning
Here I sit, watching the rain
fall
Singing how truly you are my
all in all
Here I sit, you are holding
me
Open my eyes so I can see
Show me your wonders, as I
wander
Not knowing where you lead me
Here I am, Lord fill my cup
Please Lord lift me up
Here I am, use me for your
will
Don’t let me just sit here at
the window sill
Show me your wonders, as I
wander
Not knowing where you lead me
Here, take me, I am yours
Here, lead me, through open
doors
Show me your wonders, as I
wander
Not knowing where you lead me
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
